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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/26364298">lead me to the garden</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/ameliakepner/pseuds/ameliakepner'>ameliakepner</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>Divergent (Movies), Divergent - All Media Types, Divergent Series - Veronica Roth</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Angst, F/F, Flashbacks, Grief/Mourning, Implied/Referenced Rape/Non-con, Lesbian Jeanine Matthews, Original Character Death(s), Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Pre-Canon</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>In-Progress</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2020-09-08</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2021-02-19</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-06 06:28:20</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>Mature</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Major Character Death</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>4</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>20,687</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/26364298</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/ameliakepner/pseuds/ameliakepner</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>Jeanine recalls what it's like to be in love and how it destroyed her.</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Jeanine Matthews/Original Character(s), Jeanine Matthews/Original Female Character(s)</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>16</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>26</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>1. anniversary</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
      <p>“-I'm only seventeen<br/>I don't know anything<br/>But I know I miss you.”</p>
    </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>The Erudite cemetery is a serene place. Jeanine’s heels click against the cobblestone path, as she passes the resting place of her fellow faction members. She is looking for a particular one. ‘Elizabeth-Mary Bukater’. She died young at the age of 16. If alive today, she’d be about Jeanine’s age. She feels nothing at first as she stares down at the headstone. Then her mind is flooded with memories. Old experiments, old serums. Whatever she happened to be working on at 16… and the existence of Elizabeth. It has been nearly 30 years since her death. 30 years since she last felt something real. She acknowledges the feelings she used to have for her. A real, deep love. A fire burning in her now cold heart. Jeanine cannot begin to imagine what her life would be like if she were alive today. Would she be where she is now? One could only assume that she would be less ruthless. Elizabeth made her soft. Even now, she longs for what used to be. Maybe there was still hope for her?</p><p><br/>No. It could not be. Jeanine’s a different person now. Everything that she promised herself she would never become. It was not her fault that things turned out the way they did. She learned long ago not to blame herself for her trauma. Though she still had to take responsibility for her actions. She was not completely innocent. She recognizes that much. Jeanine bends down and places a rose atop the gravestone. It joins the others placed by her over the years. It was Elizabeth’s favourite flower, and thus, was hers as well. The thorny plant reflects Jeanine’s beauty and her ability to hurt anyone who got close. Her eyes glass over, the image of her past lover’s name blurring behind the tears. Of all the emotions, pain was the only one that lingered within. She can easily display that one outwardly. Jeanine’s chest tightens as she finally allows herself to cry. Droplets run down her face and onto the stone, as she runs her fingers over ‘Elizabeth’.<br/>-<br/>“Elizabeth!” Young Jeanine calls out to her, as she moves throughout the greenhouse. She pushes a bush out of her way as a branch hits her over her head. Her eyes examine every visible spot.<br/>“Up here!” A familiar voice is heard in the distance. Fiery red curls bounce above the tall plants. There is some sort of loft area above the bottom floor.</p><p><br/>“How did you get up there?” Jeanine lets out a small laugh. It was unlike her to display her amusement with anything. She did not have to worry about professionalism around Elizabeth.</p><p><br/>“There’s a ladder.” The other girl snorts.</p><p><br/>Jeanine makes her way around the corner and goes to stand at the bottom of the ladder. She takes each side with a hand and climbs up. She is careful not to slip, she would hate to embarrass herself in front of her new friend. Elizabeth is sat cross-legged in front of the rose bush. She caresses the petals of a red rose, examining it.</p><p><br/>“What species is this?” Elizabeth looks up at Jeanine, her hand still on the flower. The blonde girl walks over, going to sit with her. She looks at it for a few seconds before speaking up.</p><p><br/>“Rosa foetida. Or as it is more commonly known, the Austrian briar rose. It can also be referred to as the Persian yellow rose. Or the Austrian copper rose. Any of those names are appropriate.” Jeanine’s fixated on the vibrant copper colour, and the way it matches the other girl’s hair. The flower’s inner yellow core reminds her of Elizabeth’s sunshine smile. Bright and warm. “It differs from the standard red rose, mostly because of how the petals are open and not layered.” She points out the flower’s inner part.</p><p><br/>“I love Roses. They’re probably my favourite flower.” Elizabeth is more focused on Jeanine than the actual flower. She is playing stupid to get the blonde to dump information on her; She finds it to be very charming.</p><p><br/>“They are varied in species. Approximately three hundred. They have thousands of cultivars, as well.” Jeanine is more than willing to share her knowledge with the girl. She has been told that she is a decent educator. Elizabeth just nods and smiles, taking in every bit. The infectiousness of her smile causes Jeanine to mirror her expression. “Flowers are a very interesting topic. There is so much to learn about. Same with…plants in general, really. My father gave me an encyclopedia all about them. It was a good read. A solid thousand pages.”</p><p><br/>“You’re such a nerd.”</p><p><br/>“Yes. Most Erudites are.” The blonde’s icy blue eyes meet Elizabeth’s. “I’m actually reading it again to memorize more of the plant species.”</p><p><br/>“I know you are.” Elizabeth tucks hair away from Jeanine’s face before softly caressing her cheeks. “What about the book on dinosaurs? And the fossils?”</p><p><br/>“Oh. That one I’ve memorized already-“ Jeanine perks up a bit. “That reminds me. We should go to the museum again tonight. They’re opening a new exhibit.”<br/>-<br/>Jeanine opens her eyes again, wiping the tears from her face. She sniffles before going to stand up again. She must get back to work. She is being pinged by her new assistant, Juliet, to come back up to her office. “Goodbye, my love.”</p><p><br/>Juliet’s anxiously pacing back and forth the hallway. This is her first day. She is quite terrified of the Erudite leader. She may be entirely convinced that if she messes up, Jeanine’s going to cook her into a soup. Once she catches a glimpse of the woman down the hall, she corrects her posture and stands like a stick at her door. She swallows hard. “Miss Matthews?” The redhead takes notice of her messed appearance. Jeanine had clearly been crying. Her eyes are still red, and her face is puffy. Something must have happened.</p><p><br/>“Hm?” The cold woman raises an eyebrow at her.</p><p><br/>“Are you doing alright?”</p><p><br/>“You shouldn’t be asking me that.” Jeanine looks her up and down. “You look like you’ve just seen a ghost.” Juliet is pale white, and her palms are shaking. “Are you okay?”</p><p><br/>“Yes.” Juliet tucks red ringlets behind her ears. Her hair is a beautiful copper colour. Similar to Elizabeth’s. They happen to share a lot of other physical features as well. As far as Jeanine can tell, Juliet’s personality differs greatly from her old lover.</p><p><br/>“Alright then.” Jeanine said nothing further about Juliet’s state of mind. She can only assume this was because she was afraid of her. Most people are. Even when she was younger, she certainly was a force to reckon with. She fought to get the best education and fought to the top of her class. She is the leader of Erudite for a reason. Her IQ is a whopping 228. Higher than anyone in the Erudite faction. She can faintly recall the day that she had received her results back, and the first person she wanted to tell was Elizabeth.</p><p><br/>-<br/>“228?!?” Elizabeth gasps. “You can’t be serious. I didn’t know that the tests could go that high.” She grabs onto Jeanine’s hands. “You really are the smartest bitch in this place.” Her smile beams, like pure sunshine after a rainy day.</p><p><br/>“Don’t call me a bitch.”</p><p><br/>“Sorry.” The young girl laughs. “Anyway…I’m so proud of you.”</p><p><br/>Jeanine’s face flushes tomato red. The other girl’s infectious laugh and her kind words caused Jeanine’s heart to race. Her palms were sweating against the redhead’s. The adrenaline going through her body pumped energy within her. Her eyes met Liz’s, and she pressed their lips together. Jeanine’s clammy hands caressed Elizabeth’s warm skin, pulling her in closer. Jeanine’s not known to enjoy affection. At least not from anyone but her. “There’s something I want to say.”</p><p><br/>Elizabeth’s grin is still spread across her face. “What? That you love me?”</p><p><br/>The blonde nearly jumped out of her skin. It was as if Elizabeth read her mind. She did not even have to say the words for Liz to understand her intentions. “Yes.” Her voice softened, which was unlike her usual sharp and concise tone. “I, Jeanine Matthews, am in love with you.”</p><p><br/>Elizabeth hooks her pinkie finger around Jeanine’s. “Promise me something?”</p><p><br/>“What?”</p><p><br/>“That you’ll never forget how much I love you.”<br/>-</p><p><br/>Jeanine’s thrusted back to the cold grey tones of her office, her assistant sitting on the sofa across from her. Her brain is brought back to the task at hand. Her left hand picks up a pen to scribble something onto a sticky note. “Juliet?”</p><p><br/>“Yes, ma’am?”</p><p><br/>“Take this note to Dr. Mason down in the labs.” Juliet stands up, nearly stumbling over when she goes to take the paper from Jeanine’s hand. She begins to bite at her nails when Juliet walks away. She has never gotten rid of that habit. Unless she wore acrylics, her nails were nearly bitten down to the bed.</p><p><br/>She booted up her computer and clicked around for a while. She is searching for something important. Jeanine needed to keep tabs on every experiment taking place in her labs. Her formulas were being tested this morning. She was making an attempt to focus on something other than Liz.<br/>-</p><p>Elizabeth’s usually wild hair is all tied back. She adjusts her goggles so that they were not as tight. Jeanine is sitting next to her recording the experiment. She is writing something down on a booklet in red pen. Her arm is up against Liz’s.</p><p><br/>“Jayjay?”</p><p><br/>“Hm?” Jeanine hated that nickname. But every time Liz called her that it made her heart race. A strand of hair falls in front of her face when she looks at the redhead. She quickly tucks it back behind her ear. She is completely flustered, just from looking at Elizabeth.</p><p><br/>“Don’t you think this is a little advanced? I mean…shouldn’t Norton be working on it?”</p><p><br/>“No.” Jeanine goes back to writing. She occasionally glances up at the test serums in front of her.</p><p><br/>Elizabeth watches the blonde as she works. She is unsure of what to say. When Jeanine gets to work, there is no stopping her. She is completely focused. It’s as if the world around her does not exist. “Baby?”</p><p><br/>Jeanine scrunches up her face, knowing exactly what Elizabeth is going to say to her. She has asked the same question for the past week. A smile begins to spread across her face, and a touch of colour is returned to her cheeks. “Lizzie, I have to work.”</p><p><br/>-</p><p>Nearly 30 years later, and Jeanine still wishes that she said yes. These days, when she is not working, she goes swimming in the Erudite pool. She distinctly remembers the first time they snuck in after hours. Liz’s parents went crazy when they found out.</p><p><br/>Jeanine fidgets with her hands as she is on a video conference with the faction leaders. Usually she would attend in person, however, she is not in the mental place to really be present. Her ability to focus is very damaged at the moment. She ends the call early and gets up to head home. Juliet is forced to take over for her while she has her moment. Today, of all days, is the worst time for Jeanine to be working.</p><p>Her heels clack against the tile flooring, as she speeds her way to the elevator. She takes it all the way up to her living quarters. Jeanine folds her arms across her chest. She watches as the numbers go up, until it dings at the 24th floor. She practically runs to her door. She opens it and slams it behind her.<br/>Jeanine cannot begin to explain the pain that she is in right now. Every year she has the same reaction as if it just happened the previous day. The pain is never any lighter. For someone who claims to be as cold as ice, this is a rare time when she is melted into a puddle. She is vulnerable and broken. With her back against the door, she slides down to the floor and sobs.<br/>A pit forms in her stomach, slowly eating away at her. There is no possible way to go back and change what happened. The unfairness of it all caused Jeanine to break. The aftermath of that one event flooded into her brain. Jeanine’s like a sunken ship. The hallways of her memory hold the vast ocean of pain. The wood panels that hold it in place are decaying with every recall of what happened to Elizabeth. The integrity of the ship shackles beneath the strong currents of tears.</p><p><br/>-</p><p>“I hate you! I... I hate you!” Jeanine’s vision is blurred, but the strength of her rage is enough to have her kicking and screaming as she is held back by restraints. The former Erudite leader, Norton, is standing over the body of Elizabeth. Her now lifeless existence is made apparent by the growing pool of blood on the white tile. “I wish you were dead! I wish that were you!” Jeanine spits. “She didn’t deserve this!” Her voice cracks. The young girl’s limbs go weak, not able to fight anymore. She has already lost. Elizabeth’s body is kicked over by another Erudite member.</p><p><br/>“She was a person! She was a real, living, human being!” Jeanine’s cries are ignored by Norton, who is already calling folks over to get the room cleared.</p><p><br/>“She was Divergent.” That was the man’s only response.</p><p><br/>-</p><p>Jeanine sits still on her floor now, unmoving. Except for the rise and fall of her diaphragm. Her once wet eyes are dry and red. The waves of pain crashed and receded. Her arms rest on her sides. She now knows for a fact that she will never love like that again. Never. Her purpose now is to carry out objectives, develop her faction further. She does not connect with people, ever. Not since Elizabeth. She intends to murder every Divergent, as if to receive justice for what happened to her love. She was brainwashed into believing all that she does now. That idea was drilled into her head since the day she met Norton, and until the day he died. She never cried for him. She did not want to. Jeanine was not capable of experiencing any sympathy or grief for that man. At 20 years old, she was left to lead the Erudite faction into greatness, and that she did. It would simply be better for the city if Divergents did not thrive. Jeanine had that thought a lot. She believes it to be true.</p><p><br/>Elizabeth’s memory is not tainted because of what she was. She is remembered fondly. Jeanine clutches at the bracelet around her wrist. It is barely visible now, but engraved on the inside, was her lover’s name.</p><p><br/>-<br/>Jeanine sits patiently with the rest of her faction. She is dressed in typical Erudite fashion. Her dress is skin-tight and reaches her knees. The dark blue colour matches her melancholy. Her outward expression is blank, unlike the teens around her, who were excited for this day to come. The incessant chatter rings in Jeanine’s ears. She has always been sensitive to that sort of thing. She bounces her leg, the front of her shoes tapping the concrete. Her anxiety was at its peak during this age. Her mother grabs onto her knee. She stops shaking. The choice of faction was obvious. Jeanine knew that she did not belong anywhere else. There is nowhere she would rather be.</p><p><br/>The young girl next to her is bouncing like crazy. Her legs take turns shaking. Her wild red curls are half up, and half down. She is dressed like Erudite but looks like she belongs to Dauntless. Her energies are strong, much like the individuals from that faction.</p><p><br/>“Elizabeth-Mary Bukater.”</p><p><br/>The redhead stands up, heading to the front of the room. She anxiously investigates each bowl. Jeanine watches her every move, from the way her skirt moves, to her fidgeting with a bracelet. She is hiding something behind those steel grey eyes. Jeanine cannot decipher it.</p><p><br/>Elizabeth takes hold of the knife, cuts her hand, and drips her blood into the Erudite bowl. Jeanine claps for her, as she comes racing back to her seat. The booming applause from the other members silence her own. They make eye contact for a few seconds, or so the blonde believes. The girl could have been just staring in her direction.</p><p><br/>After the ceremony, Jeanine is back in her room at home. She is changing into her fancier gown for tonight’s gala. It is long enough to drag on the floor. The fabric is a light blue chiffon. Her heels match it in its colour but are shorter than the ones she wore earlier.</p><p><br/>“You look beautiful.” Jeanine’s mother approaches her, placing her hands on her shoulders. “Stand up straight. Stop slouching, Jeanine.” She pushes on her upper spine.</p><p><br/>“I wasn’t, Mother.” Jeanine huffs. She adjusts her posture again. There was nothing wrong with how she was standing.</p><p><br/>“You slouch. Now, come, we must get down to the ballroom floor.”</p><p><br/>At the gala, there is a sea of blue gowns and suits. Jeanine can name about 50 shades alone. She categorizes each outfit in her head. Long, short, A-line, high-low gowns. She prefers to focus on the women. Men bore Jeanine to death. The dresses are always more intricate. Better to look at. Or maybe it was the women that Jeanine wanted to admire? Lesbianism is the last possibility on her mind, so she thinks nothing of it.</p><p><br/>Then, suddenly, from across the room, she sees Elizabeth. Her hair is in an updo, and she can see the red ringlets frame her face. She takes in every detail of the outfit, much like she did for the other women present. Her gown is to the floor. The sleeves are made of lace and are long. The deep blue of the dress compliments Elizabeth’s creamy white skin and fire red hair. Jeanine needs to take a breath as her eyes drift to the girl’s shoulders and chest. She is covered in about a million freckles. The elegance of it all has Jeanine frozen in place. Elizabeth’s eyes meet Jeanine’s. Suddenly, the blonde girl’s heart beats at an extreme pace. Her entire body feels a rush of endorphins as she continues to gaze into the other girl’s steel grey eyes. She could drown in them if that were possible. All signs point to gay.</p><p><br/>Jeanine strides across the room, now internally preparing to make a first move. She has got to say something. The universe handed her a sign and she is following it. The livelihood of the gala was nothing right now. It was as if her vision tunneled and only focused on the beautiful girl in front of her.</p><p><br/>“Hey, you.” Elizabeth spoke the first words. Her smile beamed at Jeanine. Pure sunshine. She picks up her dress to move over to where Jeanine was standing. “Our eyes keep meeting.” Her smile is now accompanied by a joyous laughter.</p><p>“In fact, they do.” Jeanine’s chuckle does not match the laugh, as she feels pressured to maintain a sense of professionalism. Not by Elizabeth, but by her mother, whose eyes she can feel from across the room. She is standing up straight, shoulders back, and a neutral expression on her face. She holds out her hand. “Jeanine Matthews. Pleased to make your acquaintance.”</p><p><br/>“Eliza Bukater. Elizabeth. Sorry.” The redhead shakes her hand. “Or Liz. Liz works too.” She is unable to keep a straight face and appears to be very energetic. As opposed to Jeanine, who is standing like a statue. “It’s nice to meet you too.” She snorts. “I’m so sorry.” It appears that Elizabeth got a hold of too much champagne. She is clearly struggling to keep it together.</p><p><br/>“Do you want to find somewhere to sit?” Jeanine offers. She would hate to see this girl embarrass herself in front of the entire faction.</p><p><br/>“I have a way better idea.”</p><p><br/>The girls run off, their dresses trailing behind them. Jeanine is careful not to ruin the delicate chiffon fabric of her dress. Elizabeth is holding her hand, taking her all the way to the elevator. Jeanine feels okay relaxing now, though she is still guarded. Physically and emotionally. She must understand her limits. The last thing she would want is to get too invested in this budding relationship. With school, her internship, and other academic endeavours, she does not have the time to delve deep into an emotional connection. Even though she desperately needs it. She is a lonely girl. No siblings, not many friends, she could use a person to rely on. Elizabeth is fun, quirky, and adventurous. She is willing to abandon the gala to go off and do her own thing. Not very Erudite of her. Jeanine thinks nothing of it at this point.</p><p><br/>The community pool is deserted at this time, especially during something as important as the gala. The girls are able to bypass the locked door with Jeanine’s knowledge of the security system. Never before had Jeanine used it to break rules. She studied it extensively when her father left his notes laying around their apartment. She memorized every page in under a night. Her constant thirst for knowledge leads her to some shady places and circumstances. She got caught conducting a morally questionable experiment on a factionless man. Andrew Prior stopped being friends with her after that incident. He’s no longer Erudite as of today.</p><p><br/>“Earth to Jeanine.” Elizabeth dragged her name out, presumably to get her attention. “You good?” She shakes her hand in front of her face. This causes Jeanine to snap out of her trance, the glass-like pool blurring out of her vision and Elizabeth entering it. Her soft rosy cheeks are covered in freckles, similar to her chest and shoulders. Her lips are plump, red, and glossy. Not to mention, perfectly lined. She looked like the type to do her own makeup. Jeanine never did hers. Someone like her mother usually took control of her appearance. A sense of envy ran through her. If she were Elizabeth, she probably would not worry about if her makeup were too heavy. Or if she gained too much weight that week. Jeanine’s pudgy midsection was the subject of her mother’s insults. Her hips and breasts were larger than most girls’. Elizabeth did not seem to notice Jeanine’s self-consciousness. She stares, for sure, Jeanine catches her a few times. Her neckline is considerably lower than her previous outfit. But she never judges. It is a look of admiration.</p><p><br/>“I am satisfied.” A simple statement. No further elaboration was required. At least to Jeanine, anyway. Her continued silence is what some might consider shyness. She is not shy. She is simply refraining from spilling her entire life story to Elizabeth. A habit that was curbed when her information dumping got too intense for her mother. That woman gets many mentions within her memories. For good reason. Her behaviours towards her own daughter completely altered Jeanine’s way of thinking.</p><p><br/>Elizabeth kicks off her heels and lifts her dress to sit down on the pool’s edge. She dips her calves into the water. She bends down to wave her hand around in the chlorine pool. Jeanine takes off her shoes, placing them next to her as she sits down.</p><p><br/>“You seem nervous, babe.”</p><p><br/>Jeanine’s face turns pink. Not many people point that out. “I am unable to swim.” That comment earned her a concerned look from Elizabeth.</p><p><br/>“You don’t know how to swim?”</p><p><br/>Jeanine shakes her head. “No. Never had the time to learn.” She carefully dips her legs into the pool. “It’s freezing.” She comments. She moves her legs around in the water.</p><p>“I can teach you. If you want. I’m a decent swimmer.” Elizabeth gives her a comforting smile. Her hand grips onto Jeanine’s thigh. She seriously considers it for a good minute. “Hope you’ve got something on under that dress.” She moves her legs out of the water, going to stand up again. Elizabeth reaches behind her to unzip her dress.</p><p><br/>“Uhh…” Jeanine tries not to look when the other girl steps out of her gown. One accidental glance and she has already memorized her. The freckles she admired on her chest and shoulders are speckled across her back. Her body shape is pear-like. Wide hips, big thighs. She scolds herself for looking as long as she did. Her gaze is focused now on the water. It seems less cold now.</p><p><br/>Elizabeth comes back to slide into the pool. She fiddles with her hair for a bit, taking each pin out and chucking it onto the poolside. She runs her hands through, shaking her wild curls free. Her hair reaches just beneath her breasts. She twirls around, laughing and smiling. She accidentally splashes Jeanine and her dress. “Woops.”</p><p><br/>Jeanine cracks a smile. She is too focused on the girl to care about the soaked fabric.<br/>-</p><p>Jeanine switches on the light of her closet. The walls are lined with shelving, each space occupied with various items of clothing. Hung up on the rack, is the blue gala dress she wore. She slides off her heels and walks into the closet. Her fingertips graze its light fabric. It was kept in good condition all these years, for the sake of memory. Jeanine did not have the heart to give it away, like she did with most of her old clothes. Though the dress no longer fit. Logically, she knows that it should go to a young girl who would wear it to a school dance. Emotionally, she will not let go of that night. It has sentimental value to Jeanine.</p><p>Behind it, was Elizabeth’s gala dress. Even after all these years, it still had traces of her perfume. Jeanine was given a lot of her things when Liz’s parents passed on. She was surprised to find the dress among her boxes. Her fingers ran over the dark silk, a small smile spreading across her face. She was extremely delicate, even when she did not have to be. The gown proved itself to be sturdy when Elizabeth nearly tripped on it on the way to the pool. Not a single rip or tear.</p><p><br/>Jeanine extends her arms to slide a box off the top shelf. ‘Elizabeth-Mary Bukater’ is sprawled across it in black sharpie. The handwriting is messy, but Jeanine could recognize it from anywhere. She places it carefully on the carpet. While kneeling down on the floor, she opens the box. First, she takes out the journal. It is pink and covered in a million stickers. Opening the cover, Elizabeth’s name is written in bold block letters on the inside first page. Each letter is a different coloured glitter gel pen. In the corner, ‘Jeanine Matthews was here.’ is written in a plain black pen.<br/>She turns the page, and she comes across the first diary entry of this book.</p><p><br/>‘Dear Diary,<br/>It’s me, Elizabeth. Today I took my girlfriend to the pool again. She can’t really swim, so I’m teaching her. I might also be using it as an excuse to get her away from work. She’s super insane about school. My little nerd girlfriend. God, she’s so hot.<br/>After that, we went to the shops and she bought me this book. She knows how much I love writing. She also absolutely insisted that she buy me gifts. I’m what most people would call ‘sPoIlEd’. Jeanine actually loves me, stupid heteros. Anyway, we got back to my house and she was super tired so she’s napping right now. She’s laying on my chest. I never want to move. Moving would be a crime against god.’</p><p><br/>Jeanine chuckles, as if this were her first time reading it. She knows what is coming next. Seeing the words now nearly makes her double over with laughter.</p><p><br/>‘Jeanine works so much. All the time. I admire her dedication, but I really really really want to fuck. She doesn’t sleepover as much these days and that’s the only time we can. Before we went to the pool, she practiced her presentation on her aptitude serum-thing and I nearly jumped her right there.’</p><p>The woman shakes her head, turning the page. Teenagers. She remembers what it was like being that age. Hormone fluctuations galore. The two of them got up to a lot of mischief when they were together. All that mattered in the world to Jeanine at the time was her work and her girlfriend. Her greatest passions. She would have done anything for Elizabeth.</p><p><br/>The next page was a bunch of doodles. There was one of Jeanine herself with a bunch of pink glittery hearts around it. Elizabeth was a decent artist, though still learning. She mostly did cartoons. ‘Realism is not my thing.’ As she used to say. Opposite that page, was something Jeanine drew. Elizabeth, in blue ballpoint pen. She was more into drawing realistically. Though she did not do it often. Jeanine made a point to learn every skill she possibly could, and that included drawing. She wanted to know everything about everything. She soaked it all up like a sponge. Her near-perfect memory made that a simple task. ‘My darling Elizabeth’ was the drawing’s caption. Jeanine teared up a little. This entire book was half stuff they did together &amp; the other half being Elizabeth’s entries. Which were all Jeanine-related.</p><p><br/>Jeanine gently puts the book back in its place in the box. That is enough for one night. The emotional weight of this day alone is crushing for Jeanine. She slowly undresses, leaving her worn clothes in the basket near the door. The woman walks back to her bed, moving the duvet aside and getting underneath. Her bare skin against the sheets is relaxing. She takes one pillow from the other side of the bed and cuddles it into her chest. Jeanine buries her face in it as she hugs it tight. Her eyes shut and tears run down her cheeks. This is the one night where she allows herself to cry until she drifts off.</p><p>Rest in Peace, Elizabeth.</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0002"><h2>2. path to recovery</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>Jeanine never imagined that she would get another chance.</p>
          </blockquote><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>"-and I can go anywhere I want,<br/>anywhere I want,<br/>just not home."</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>The rising sun comes through the light blue curtains, the beams hitting Jeanine’s face. Her once sleeping self is now wide awake. Naturally, she is up at 6 am. She is one of those morning folk. She has never slept in at any point in her life. Mother had never allowed Jeanine to get more sleep than what was required. She believed that it would make her daughter lazy. And she never demanded anything less than perfection from Jeanine. She had to watch her weight, her posture, her schoolwork, the shoes she wore, even. The list continues on. It would take hours to fully list everything Jeanine had to maintain. Yet, Mother still wondered why Jeanine never bothered to visit or call after she moved out. It is not like they were in separate factions. Both women belong to Erudite. Jeanine just refuses to put up with the abuse. It was not fair to her. Her long-lasting perfectionist tendencies are all she has from what Mother left to her. She won’t even speak her birth name anymore. She is Mother. Nothing more, nothing less.</p><p>Her father was better to her. Although he had plenty of issues of his own. At least he had shown pride for his daughter’s accomplishments. When Jeanine became leader of Erudite, her father cried happy tears of joy. Mother was never smart enough to ever be considered, and thus was jealous of her young 20-year-old. Elizabeth’s parents came to congratulate her. They were proud of Jeanine as well. She was grateful to them for many reasons and kept contact with them after Liz’s death.</p><p>The details of that day are still fresh in Jeanine’s mind. From the moment she woke up until she saw Elizabeth’s lifeless body on the floor. Each event in the sequence plays frequently. Was there anything that could have been done to prevent it? No. Jeanine answers that question quickly. No. There was nothing that she was capable of doing. Everything was out of her control. She was just a kid.</p><p>-</p><p>Jeanine rolls onto Elizabeth in her sleep, their bodies pressed together beneath the comforter. The soft skin of her girlfriend’s chest smelled of coconut and her breasts cushion Jeanine’s head. There was something that she knew that her girlfriend did not. The hunt for Divergents had begun. Jeanine herself created the serum for the new aptitude test and Norton wanted to use it for his advantage. While browsing the files of Erudite HQ, Jeanine came across Elizabeth’s test results. It appeared that the results were input manually. Unlike the usual tests, which are automatically entered into the system. That immediately raised a red flag in her brain. ‘Oh no.’ She had muttered to herself. This was not something that was found out unless you specifically went looking for it. Divergents were a threat to the faction system. That was what she has been told every day since she met Norton. Jeanine knew what this meant. Elizabeth was going to die. Maybe not today or tomorrow but the second Norton finds out, Elizabeth’s life will be cut short. That is a fundamental truth.</p><p>Perhaps she could test Elizabeth again? The test could have been wrong. Before Jeanine tweaked it, it had many issues. The results were never wrong. That was another fundamental truth. The denial of it was keeping Jeanine sane. If she wanted to test Elizabeth, she had to be sneaky. It was unlike her to keep secrets from her faction, but she is nothing if not a good liar and hypocrite. This one can live, but the rest of them cannot. The logic of that alone made her brain spin but that is what she must follow if she wants her lover to survive the week. It is essential to keep up Erudite’s good reputation, and if she must lie to the other factions, then she will. She is next in line for faction leader. When Norton dies, she is the one to take his place. And that means cleaning up all the messes he made as the leader.</p><p> </p><p>“Jean?” Elizabeth softly cooed at her. Her hand ran through her girlfriend’s blonde locks. The other girl grumbles. She did not want to wake up. Not yet. “Don’t give me that attitude, baby.”</p><p>Jeanine’s ice-cold heart melts to a puddle. Fine. She will get up. The young girl sits up, rolling off Elizabeth. Her silence speaks volumes. She knows what she has to do today.</p><p>“Are you okay?” Elizabeth’s hand runs up and down Jeanine’s back. “We don’t have to do it.” She appears to want to reassure her. But nothing can stop the anxious beating of Jeanine’s heart.</p><p>“We have to make sure the test was wrong. I know it is.” The test was not wrong. Elizabeth-Mary Bukater is Divergent. Jeanine wants to see it with her own eyes. She wants to watch the simulation.</p><p>“Baby…”</p><p>“Do not ‘baby’ me, Elizabeth.” Jeanine’s voice breaks. “The test was wrong. It was wrong.” Her usual cold exterior is cracking like a sheet of ice. Her body is falling beneath, lost in the freezing water. “I cannot lose you to him.” She feels like she is drowning in pain for something that has not even happened yet.</p><p>Elizabeth can barely keep it together herself. At this point she knows what is ahead for her. All she can do is just do what Jeanine says. She wants her to be happy. Seeing her on the verge of tears sends a hurtful pang to Eliza’s heart. Jeanine gets up off the bed and makes her way over to her closet. She searches through her every outfit, wanting to pick something nice.</p><p>“Do you think we’ll be able to avoid him today?”</p><p>“No.” Jeanine continues to rummage her closet. It is almost inevitable that he will find out about them. She wants to pretend that he will not, but…he will. He knows everything about Jeanine down to the core. He has picked her apart for years. Every detail of her life, he is aware of. Except for her Divergent girlfriend. “But we can certainly try.”</p><p>The two girls strut down the hallway of Erudite-only classrooms after their Biology lecture. They take the elevator down to the testing labs. Jeanine has the security code that will allow them access. This way, other faction members know that the room is occupied and no one else will enter unless permitted by Jeanine.</p><p>This is not technically where an aptitude test should take place, however they needed somewhere semi-private. Jeanine helps Elizabeth into the chair. This was not the first time she administered a test, so it was simple.</p><p>“Drink this, honey.”</p><p>Elizabeth drinks the serum and is immediately plunged deep into the aptitude test.</p><p>Jeanine marks down each reaction in the Sim. The results were clear. Dauntless, Erudite, and Candor. She can feel her heart break as she realizes what is yet to come for Eliza. She quickly tries to pull her out of the sim.</p><p>“-What happened?”</p><p>Jeanine is logging her ‘results’, trying to shut down the program as fast as possible. “You…you are Divergent.” Her frustration is plastered across her face, and through her eyes you could see a deep sadness. “The test was right.”</p><p>Elizabeth sighs. “I know.” She gets up off the chair. “I know, baby.”</p><p>The blonde can barely make eye contact. She is trying her hardest to not cry in front of Elizabeth. “I manually entered Erudite.” That is all she can manage to say. There is plenty of mixed emotions here. On one hand, she has been taught to hate and wish death on all Divergents. On the other, she loves her girlfriend. She has loved her since the moment they met. Elizabeth is not a monster. She is just a young girl. She is the exception to the rule. At least in Jeanine’s mind. Years of brainwashing did her no good. The part of her that wants to protect Elizabeth combats the anti-divergent teachings that are ingrained within her.</p><p>“…What are we going to do?”</p><p>“Nothing.” Jeanine shuts off the system. She reaches over to grab her girlfriend’s hand. “Let’s be on our way. I would rather not get caught in this room.” The sudden coldness of her words was not something that Elizabeth did not understand. She is just trying to protect herself from pain &amp; from expressing her true emotions. Jeanine is intentionally avoiding the subject.</p><p> </p><p>This may be one of their last days together, and both girls know it. Elizabeth brings the other girl in for a long hug. That is all it takes for Jeanine to crack. The broken sobs are heard from the crook of Elizabeth’s neck. Makeup runs down Jeanine’s face and onto Elizabeth. This was the first time she ever saw Jeanine cry. She was never this vulnerable in front of her. Due to her upbringing, she was not comfortable doing it. ‘Crying is a sign of weakness’ according to Jeanine’s Mother.</p><p>“I love you more than anything in this life.” Jeanine’s little sniffles and broken sobbing stop for a minute to speak. “If it comes down to it, I’ll sacrifice my own life for yours.”</p><p>“You don’t have to do that.” The redhead attempts to soothe Jeanine, making sure to rub her back and hold her closer than before. “I cannot ask you to do that for me.”</p><p>Jeanine could not sacrifice anything. Even if she tried. She had not been given that choice in the first place. The only option for her was to accept Elizabeth’s demise. At this moment in time, she was not aware of that fact. But she knows that now.</p><p>-</p><p>Juliet comes right up to the apartment door, knocking first before letting herself in. “Miss Matthews?”</p><p>Jeanine groans, getting up out of bed to put on her silk dressing gown. She walks out into her living room to see her assistant, hands full of various items. “Yes, Juliet?” She sounds annoyed but she is not. She is not exactly happy in the mornings. She has not been since the days of sleepovers with Elizabeth.</p><p>“I brought you a coffee. And breakfast.”</p><p>“How thoughtful.” Jeanine cannot help but crack a smile at the young woman. She was not going to question how she got past the lock on her door. The blonde must have given her a code at some point. “Have you eaten already?” She sits down on her sofa, motioning for Juliet to come beside her.</p><p>“Oh… uh…no. I just wanted to bring you something to cheer you up. Since yesterday seemed a bit rough for you.”</p><p>Wow. She noticed. Jeanine thought to herself. She has only known this girl for a day and a half, yet she finds herself growing fond of her. Juliet places everything on the coffee table in front of the blonde. She fixes her red curls into an updo, getting all the ringlets out of her face. “Come sit. We can share my breakfast.”</p><p>Juliet sits with the other woman, becoming visibly a little nervous when she looks at Jeanine’s bare face. She appears softer in the mornings. Clearly very tired and not ready for the day. Her hair is still unbrushed. Though, since it is much shorter now, it did not take much work to get it to look right. While eating, the two of them exchange glances, unable to really keep their eyes off each other. There was something of a desire between the women that went unnoticed. Jeanine places one hand upon Juliet’s. “Thank you.”</p><p>“It’s nothing. I was just thinking about you, that’s all.”</p><p>“Hmm.” Jeanine just nods along. Though she is curious, why was this young woman more interested in her life than all her previous assistants? This one was brave enough to enter Jeanine’s home without an invitation. “You think about me?” She teases, with a hint of a smirk spreading across her face.</p><p>“Oh.” Juliet’s face turns tomato red. If she was not very nervous then, she definitely is now. “As a former Candor, I have to be honest with you. I do.”</p><p>“Interesting…” This admission sparked something within Jeanine. She wants to see how much she can get out of the girl without totally embarrassing her. She is seeing this as another one of her…experiments. How far can Jeanine take this? Her hand adjusts Juliet’s collar on her shirt. She smoothes out the fabric on her shoulder. She is not above seducing younger women to see how they react. “In what way? If you do not mind telling…” She intentionally trails off, becoming hyper focused on the way Juliet’s shirt fits her chest.</p><p>Juliet gulps. Her attraction to Jeanine becoming clearer with every passing second. “Well…I think you are a very beautiful woman. I always thought you were the most attractive person I have ever seen.”</p><p>“So, you like women?” Jeanine sips her coffee.</p><p>“Who doesn’t?” Juliet laughs, shrugging. “Yeah. I love girls. Women. Boobs, you know?” She makes a grabbing motion with her hands.</p><p>Jeanine’s fully smirking now. She shakes her head a little and bites her lip. “Heterosexual women do not like other women. And gay men.”</p><p>“Are you…?”</p><p>“What? Straight?” Jeanine snickers. “Absolutely not.” She leans back into the sofa, gazing at Juliet still. Her curiosity turns from innocent to pure arousal. “You’re a pretty little thing, I must admit. So young and beautiful.” Her hand grazes her thigh. Juliet is attempting to become more relaxed because the events of her wildest dreams are coming true and she was not about to mess it up.</p><p>It does not take a long time before the women end up in bed together, Jeanine finally satisfying a need that she has had for a while. She has not slept with a woman in months. It was not hard for Jeanine to find someone worthy of her affections. A lot of women were lining up for her, and she knows that. But was she willing to go after them? Not exactly. Manning an entire faction is not easy work. She would rather sleep with someone she knew beforehand, like an assistant or lab tech. Someone who was beneath her in every way. She needed that sense of control, like it was her decision to fingerbang a hot scientist in their lab.</p><p>That woman had plenty to say after the fact.</p><p>Juliet was not expecting anything like this to happen. She simply wanted to do something for Jeanine and make her feel good emotionally. What she did not predict was that she would provide physical and sexual relief. This was not going to be the first time the two of them got under the sheets. It started a series of hookups that happened multiple times…daily. Jeanine did not like to admit how high of a sex drive she has. Juliet did not mind. That just meant she had plenty of stories to tell her friends on wine night.</p><p>Even with Elizabeth she had to tone it down. They simply did not have the time to do it as much as they liked. Jeanine was constantly working, even as a young teenager. The last time they did anything of that nature together was the day that Jeanine lost Elizabeth.</p><p>-</p><p>Jeanine pants heavily, while Eliza was coming up from under the sheets to kiss her softly on the lips.</p><p>“Did that make you feel better?” The redhead tries to laugh it off. She tucks the stray ringlets behind her own ears. Jeanine only nodded in response. She sighs, wrapping her arms around the other girl. They laid in bed together for a long time, just holding each other.</p><p>Knock, Knock. Who’s there? Reality. It hits them when Jeanine’s father comes up to the bedroom door.</p><p>“Norton’s here and he needs to talk to you, Jean.”</p><p>The girls exchange a look of fear. Did they get caught? They must have. There was no other reason that he needed to show up at Jeanine’s apartment. Jeanine gets up out of bed, Eliza following after. She throws on something nice, making sure to give clothes to her girlfriend. “We have got to look not-suspicious.”</p><p>Norton is impatiently waiting at the apartment door. He checks his watch. The girls scramble to get themselves ready. Jeanine heads out first, Elizabeth trailing behind. She is still holding her hand.</p><p>“Miss Matthews. Miss Bukater.” He greets them, nodding his head. There was an energy to him that Jeanine could sense was off. She was already anxious about the amount of trouble she was in, and what would be the consequences of her actions. What came next was something of Jeanine’s worst nightmares. “You both need to come with me. Now.”</p><p>-</p><p>Jeanine snaps out of her trance, looking next to her and seeing Juliet passed out. Her fingers run up and down her back, tracing every curve. It had been a solid month of near-constant hookups at this point, and yet Jeanine still looks down at this woman with all the affection in the world. It was as if they had made love for the first time. She did not like to admit that she had grown really fond of her. Her inability to express her true emotions made it difficult to allow the relationship to develop past sex. Juliet sensed that and was very aware of it. She felt the same. However, she was afraid of screwing it all up, so she just accepted the sex. Though, they had an agreement to be exclusive. That is only a step away from an actual romantic relationship. Jeanine did not want to think about that just yet.</p><p>“Do we have work today?” Juliet says, her voice muffled by the pillow. She was always so cute the mornings after. It reminded her a lot of Elizabeth. The messy red curls do not help. She innocently looked up at Jeanine, her eyes not even fully open.</p><p>Jeanine gently caresses her cheek. “I have work today. You could stay here if you so desire.” She has allowed her into her bed and unfortunately…into her heart. Staying alone in her apartment would not be any different. Juliet always worked when Jeanine did, but today the older woman is much softer and was willing to just let her sleep. “Do not worry about anything. I have it all under control. You rest.”</p><p>Juliet yawned. “You really mean that?” It is rare for Jeanine to just let her off the hook like that. In fact, it has only happened once before.</p><p>“Mmhm. I need to shower before I go. You could join me if you are not too tired.”</p><p>“We both know that if I join you, you are going to be late for work.” Juliet smirks, before turning over and trying to sleep again. Jeanine did not mind being late, if she got to spend more time with the young woman.</p><p>The times they spent in the shower together stand distinctly inside Jeanine’s mind, each experience the same as the last but still mind-blowing. Juliet was a lot more experienced than she had initially let on. She was not a submissive little vixen. At least not all the time. Jeanine was never fully the dominant one but expressed a lot more assertiveness. Allowing another person to take control of her actions is not something Jeanine is very fond of. However, if it’s a beautiful woman, then she will let it slide.</p><p>Jeanine’s still half asleep when she steps in front of the mirror. Her eyes are sunken in, and you could start to see wrinkles forming at the edges. Physical proof of her aging. She did not spend a long time looking into the mirror, for she would get lost pointing out her every “flaw”. She turns her back and walks on over to the shower. She pulls the curtain aside and gets in. She taps on the screen below the showerhead, creating her ideal shower. The water comes through at a mild pressure, the temperature leaning towards cold. It was a weak attempt to ignore her arousal. The mornings are the worst for her in that aspect. She continues on the rinse her body first then starts soaping herself up. She thinks about getting on her knees for Juliet. The thought she has tried to shake out of her head since stepping into the shower. She knew that if her brain kept this up, Jeanine would have to soothe herself with her fingers. Or with the showerhead.</p><p>She ended up ditching that idea completely. The rest of the day at work. Jeanine mentally tortured herself with thoughts of her pretty assistant. Her unfocused behaviour raised a few eyebrows from her colleagues. Jeanine’s preoccupation with sexual acts interrupted her usual workflow. The vibrator she kept in a locked drawer helped her out when the urges got too intense. Luckily, no one could see what she does under her desk.</p><p>Ever since she secretly developed a serum that aided in sexual drive and used herself as a test subject, she has been insatiable. It was unlike her to mess up a serum at all, but unfortunately this was one of the times. The effects of it have lasted since before she started sleeping with Juliet. By default, her sexual urges were high. But this medicine intensified it to an almost intolerable degree. Jeanine is very eager to get home to her ‘girlfriend’, whose body she missed more than anything.</p><p>Juliet had been off snooping the whole day. Her natural curiosity about Jeanine’s private life made her get into the woman’s belongings. That is when she discovered the long-sleeved navy-blue dress. It had a particular smell to it that she did not recognize. A perfume, perhaps? She had then checked the tags to see the size. Her exact match, a 6. That seemed a bit odd. Jeanine typically wore a size 12-14, depending on how stretchy the material is. She was a lot more curvaceous. Her beautiful wide hips and large bust would certainly not squeeze into this dress. Thinking about Jeanine’s body again made Juliet’s face flush red. God, she missed her. She takes the dress off the hanger, going into the bathroom with it.</p><p>After putting the dress on, she pins up her curls out of her face. She twirls around in circles, feeling every part of the fabric. That is when she hears the front door open and close. “Oh shit.” Juliet whispers to herself. Now Jeanine was going to know that she’s been going through her stuff.</p><p>Jeanine is completely floored by the time she catches a glimpse of Juliet in <em>Elizabeth’s</em> dress. She is immediately taken back to that gala night once again.</p><p>-</p><p>“Do you think anyone noticed that we left?” Elizabeth giggles, pinning her curls back up into a bun. She sobered up a bit and was no longer wobbling beside Jeanine. The blonde cannot help but smile at her. She was absolutely beautiful.</p><p>“No. There’s a thousand people in that ballroom. I highly doubt it.” Jeanine observes the others through the clear glass doors. None of them compare to the girl standing next to her. Mother comes right up to the door when she spots her daughter out of the corner of her eye. She definitely took notice of her daughter’s absence. The two girls enter the room together.</p><p>“Where have you been? I have been looking for you everywhere.”</p><p>“Out, mother.” Jeanine sighs. She looks to Eliza. “I made a friend.” This made the girl smile and wave at the older lady. Mother huffs. She never approved of Elizabeth. Not at any point of their relationship. Jeanine never desired her approval, especially not after she realized that she wouldn’t meet the standards set in place. That did not hit her until much later.</p><p>“Hi, I’m Elizabeth.” A simple greeting. Complete with her gorgeous smile and an outstretched hand. Jeanine did not have to be told what Mother felt about her. It was all plastered on the old woman’s neutral expression. She was criticizing everything from the gown to the way her ringlets framed her face. She was not impressed, and she has only known Eliza for five minutes. Mother shook her hand and introduced herself as well. Though there was a slight condescending tone in her voice.</p><p>“Dr. Angelica Matthews.”</p><p>Jeanine noticed how nervous Elizabeth had become. She clearly was not expecting that cold glare. It pierced into the girl’s soul. That glare was something Jeanine herself ended up mastering. She hates to admit that that’s not the only reason people compare her to Mother. After losing Elizabeth she became cold and calculated. Guarded emotionally. There were other things that happened to her as well. Unspeakable, awful things that destroyed the light inside her forever.</p><p>Elizabeth quickly tries to make light of the situation. “Jeanine and I went out to the gardens. It’s very lovely.” That only got a nod and a fake smile from Mother at first. She then went off about the creation of the gardens and who designed the place originally. Mother was quite the information dumper. Something else Jeanine learned from her. Elizabeth made sure not to mention the pool. They were not exactly supposed to be in there in the first place. But the gardens were open at all hours. She wanted to avoid trouble.</p><p>As the three of them rejoined the crowd, the current faction leader, Norton, took place upon the stage. Jeanine can no longer recall what his speech was about, or what he even said. It’s been nearly three decades since this moment passed. Though she was still able to recall every second of her time with Elizabeth. Norton was Jeanine’s mentor, but he was an awful man. She chose to block out nearly everything that happened with him. Most of it was too painful to think about in the first place.</p><p>“Hey. Jeanine. Psst.” Elizabeth leans over to whisper in the girl’s ear. “Guess what?”</p><p>Jeanine could not help but crack a smile. “What?” She knew exactly what was coming, and she did not know how she was going to keep quiet while Norton made his speech.</p><p>“Shampoodle.”</p><p>-</p><p>“Jeanine. Hey.” Juliet is staring right back at her. She notices how the woman opposite her is lost in thought. She cannot figure out if Jeanine is mad or not. Her stare becomes scary after a while and Juliet suddenly feels her heartbeat quicken.</p><p>Jeanine is debating if she wants to yell at Juliet for stealing that dress. She is just staring. Normally, in times like these, she would know exactly what to say. She would get angry and tell them to get out of her apartment. Except, she is finding herself captivated by Juliet’s beauty as if she were Elizabeth herself. She feels like a teenager again.</p><p>“Hello, darling.” Jeanine pops over to give her a kiss, before going to change into her nightgown. First, she sits down on her bed to rid herself of the stiletto heels. “I see you’ve found Elizabeth’s gala dress.”</p><p>‘<em>Elizabeth?’ </em>Juliet thinks. <em>‘Who the fuck is Elizabeth?’ </em>So many things are going through her mind right now.</p><p>Jeanine rids herself of her skin-tight dress, standing before Juliet in her underwear. She grabs onto her gown and slips it over herself. “You look stunning. Just as she did.”</p><p>Juliet looks down at herself and then up at the older woman again. “Did?” She asked, puzzled. She can assume that Elizabeth is not only dead, but also someone of significant importance to Jeanine. Which was weird. Considering the fact that she did not seem to have anyone except herself. She cannot imagine Jeanine actually having real, physical feelings for another person outside of sexual attraction. That is what she assumed, anyway. She is very wrong about that. Jeanine is closed off on purpose. For a variety of reasons.</p><p>“She passed away when we were 17 years old. Well, I was 17. Her birthday was a week after her death.” Jeanine had never really talked about it out loud before, at least not to someone she barely even knew. She felt like she could really trust someone for the first time in a long time. She intentionally avoided loaded discussions about her feelings and about her past. She hated talking about it. But since Juliet appeared to get into her things, Jeanine feels as though she must explain their presence in her home. “She wore that dress the first night we met.”</p><p> </p><p>“Oh…” Juliet looks down at the fabric of the dress. “I had no idea. My apologies.” She feels exceptionally bad now. She is starting to piece together all the things that she took notice of in the past month. The bracelet that Jeanine never takes off, her constant visits to the cemetery. How could Juliet have missed this when it was staring her right in the face?</p><p>“It happened before you were born.” Jeanine smoothes out the fabric of her nightgown. Her eyes glass over, as if recalling that night again when she looks up at the redhead. “I am trying so hard to be mad at you.” She admits. She is unsure of how she wants to take this conversation. There is so much that she can say. Too many possibilities. Too many paths.</p><p>“Why <em>aren’t</em> you mad at me?” Juliet attempts to pry, sensing something else stirring up inside the older woman. She walks over to her, picking up the dress so she does not trip. She leans down to grab Jeanine’s hands. Her thumbs rub the back of the woman’s hand.</p><p>The vulnerability Jeanine feels in this moment is overwhelming. She is tempted to nip this conversation at the stem. She wants to avoid it. She has plenty of reasons to do so, but at the same time, she should give herself a chance at connection. If she cuts Juliet off, she knows that she will be unhappy. This is one of those times where Jeanine is actually hopeful. Maybe this time if she opens up…things will turn out okay. “I wish to pursue a romantic relationship with you…and if I allowed myself to be angry, I would scare you off.”</p><p>That was unexpected. At least to Juliet it was. “Wait. Pause.” She lets go of her hands. “What?” She can hardly believe what she is hearing. Jeanine and romance? That is a thing that happens…apparently.</p><p>“You seem shocked.” Jeanine exhales hard. “Bet you thought I was a total heartless bitch, hm?”</p><p>“Well…” Juliet scratches her head. Yeah, she had made that assumption. She was not alone in that. Though, it is not totally incorrect. Jeanine <em>does</em> have issues with displaying empathy for others. She simply has trouble displaying that sort of emotion.</p><p>“It’s alright. Most people think that of me. They refuse to look past appearances.” Jeanine crosses her legs. “…But it is true. I would like this to be something more.”</p><p>Juliet can’t help but smile at her. “Okay. We can do that.”</p><p>“So, it is settled. You are my girlfriend.” Jeanine grabs onto the redhead’s waist. Whatever anxiety the woman had previously felt about admitting that fondness for Juliet is now a calm wave. She did not fall apart like she expected. And the girl did not run away.</p><p>“I am your girlfriend.”</p>
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<a name="section0003"><h2>3. mistakes were made</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>Jeanine's depression hits its peak a few months after Elizabeth passes. Will reconciling with her friends at the faction-wide gala make her open up again?</p>
          </blockquote><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>This chapter takes place entirely in the past. Every 3rd chapter will be a 'flashback' of sorts.</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>When Jeanine was a teenager, she was the apprentice of the now-deceased faction leader, Norton. That was public knowledge. This meant that she was consistently criticized by the factions. She had too many responsibilities for a young girl.</p>
<p>Now, after the death of Elizabeth, everything seemed to go downhill. Jeanine went from a bright happy girl to someone frozen in their pain. Someone unable to process what happened to her. A depression so engrained in her that no one could fix. No drug or serum can change the effects of the trauma. Norton tried to alter her brain with a pill. She never changed. The ache in her heart never soothed. Her love was taken from her so brutally. Few people would be able to forget the sight. Jeanine certainly did not. She was so bitter, so angry. Everything in her world was stripped from her. Everything.</p>
<p>The night terrors were never easy for Jeanine or her parents. Hearing her scream every single night for months was never something they got used to. Nobody could calm her down, so they simply had to let her cry. Jeanine’s lips quiver when she wakes at her usual time. Her tears stream down her face and she has to take a deep breath. She runs a hand through her now short hair.  Mother forced Jeanine to get it cut. She said that if Jeanine was not going to care for her beautiful silky locks, they had to get rid of them. Normally, Jeanine would object. But now she did not care. Hair was nothing. It grows back. Elizabeth will never smile or breathe or kiss Jeanine again. She is gone. Never again will Jeanine get to hold her. Or wake up to her in the mornings. Never.</p>
<p>Her once obsessively organized room is currently trashed. The original blue carpet cannot be seen from under all Jeanine’s belongings. She cannot be bothered to clean anymore. What was the point? She sits up and slips out of bed to go to the bathroom. She cannot remember the last time she showered or brushed her teeth. She felt so gross and yet could not bring herself to get clean. The most she will do is clean her face with a cloth. Even then she struggled.</p>
<p>As she sat on the toilet, she wondered what she would do when she was forced back into work in September. She cannot even imagine facing Norton again. Not after what he did. Though she must. She has to face the fact that Elizabeth is gone, and she cannot stay stuck in a hole forever. Jeanine has not quite reached that point yet. She is not ready. She acknowledges what must be done but is not mentally equipped to carry out that task.</p>
<p>She stares at herself in the bathroom mirror for a long time. The chin length hair is dishevelled, much like the rest of her. The blue dress she wore to bed was smelly and dirty. When she rinses her hands, she splashes herself in the face with the cold water. She shudders a bit. Maybe she will shower. She might as well, considering she has already gotten up and out of bed. That’s Jeanine’s thought process. It has not been easy for her to just get up like that. But now she is here.</p>
<p>Jeanine rids herself of her clothes, tossing her dress into the nearby basket. Carefully, she steps into the shower, closing the curtain behind her. She spends a long time in there before finding the strength to turn the water on. The warmth of the water enveloped Jeanine’s body, it all is running down to her feet and then to the drain. She sung quietly to herself, trying to distract her brain by forcing her to remember song lyrics instead of thinking about Eliza. Though, such attempts fail when she remembers that one time, they sang this song together in her room.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>“<em>Imagine something of your very own, something you can have and hold-</em>“ The girls sing in unison, as they jump up and down on Jeanine’s bed. “<em>I'd build a road in gold just to have some dreamin'</em>.” Elizabeth brings Jeanine in for a kiss, gently caressing her cheeks. The song finished up in the background and they sat back down on the mattress. The rest of the world seemed unreal. All they had in this moment was each other. That is exactly how they wanted it to be. To them, all they needed was each other.</p>
<p>“Do you want to sneak out to the garden tonight? I think they planted more roses.”</p>
<p>Jeanine laughs at her. “We could go right now, if you’re that eager.” Her smile could not be wiped off her face. The level of joy she felt simply by being next to Elizabeth was astronomical. She tucks red ringlets behind the girl’s ear.</p>
<p>“…But babe, listen, if we go at night, we’ll be able to see the stars too.” Elizabeth gives her a sweet smile right back. She pokes Jeanine’s soft tummy. “Maybe I just wanna hear you talk ‘smart’ at me.” She straddles her girlfriend’s lap. Her arms are draped over her shoulders. “It’s so hot.”</p>
<p>“You are the only one who does.” Jeanine laughs again, but nervously. Her hands are placed gently on Elizabeth’s hips.</p>
<p> </p>
<p> </p>
<p>This sudden memory made Jeanine burst into tears. She has to stop herself from being too loud, as it is the middle of the night. She continues to sob as she slowly cleans her body. Her heart feels so heavy, yet empty. The pain of the loss was greater than anything anyone could imagine. She is going through the unimaginable. It was weird because Jeanine understood why Elizabeth had to die. But that did not make it any less painful. Divergents are not meant to be alive in this society. They screw up the faction system’s natural order of things. She battles constantly with the guilt of knowing that Eliza could still be alive if she had not gone messing with the aptitude test files. If she had not tested her a second time. However, the guilt of knowing she watched her die and could not do anything about it was two times worse.</p>
<p>The screams. Oh god, the screams. Those last cries for help from Elizabeth will haunt Jeanine for the rest of her life. Just thinking about it made the blonde sick to her stomach. Eliza’s last breath was used to tell Jeanine she loved her. Jeanine felt like she did not deserve it. The days immediately after, Jeanine had massive dark bruises on her arms and wrists. She fought so hard to escape. She wanted to save Elizabeth and beg them to take Jeanine’s life instead of hers. It was too late.</p>
<p>Norton made up his mind the second he found out Elizabeth’s true aptitude result. He could not kill his prodigy. He ‘needed’ her. In more ways than one. That thought made her sick too. He would kill her if Jeanine told her parents what he had done to her. How he took from her. Norton had certain desires for young girls, and Jeanine was the perfect target.</p>
<p>She scrubbed herself cleaner than she thought was possible, just to get the grimy feelings off her skin and out of her mind. Getting out of the shower, she grabbed her robe and slipped it on. Jeanine avoided going back into her room, just sitting down on the tile floor. She stayed there and took deep breaths, attempting to calm herself. She was constantly on edge and the only advice anyone ever had was to ‘take deep breaths and relax’, which made Jeanine roll her eyes and cringe. As if deep breathing could change the fact that her body was being violated by someone she trusted and looked up to.</p>
<p>Mother allowed her to take the summer off, and informed Norton of that decision. She pitied her daughter for going through the death of her girlfriend. He did not seem to mind, but Jeanine knew the truth. She knew he was angry. But at least she got to be away from him. That was something she was semi-happy about. The consequences of taking a break will be something Jeanine worries about when it comes.</p>
<p>Finally, she makes the decision to get up off the floor and head back to her bedroom. She flops down onto her bed. The ceiling fan spins, its blades going around in circles. Jeanine focuses on that. Though it is hard to keep all her attention there; her brain wanders elsewhere. As it usually does. Nothing can distract her from the pain long enough. She cannot even escape into her dreams. ‘Dreams’ is certainly a strong word, considering that they are more like nightmares.</p>
<p>Why does Jeanine’s brain force her to relive the event over and over? No one truly knows the answer. But it is pure torture. Jeanine hates the fact that she wakes up screaming or crying most nights, but she does not know how to stop it.</p>
<p>A month passed and everything changed. It was like a switch went off in Jeanine’s brain. Whatever was left of her humanity was gone. Mother assumed it was her way of processing the pain. Her daughter sat in front of her computer, typing away at a report for Norton. It is August now. She was not supposed to go back until September, but she had this drive to get working again. She felt nothing else. Her heart was ice cold. Pitch black. At least that is how it appeared on the outside. What was left still was her anxiety and perfectionism. That’s all she is capable of showing.</p>
<p>Sooner or later, she was back in the labs doing her experiments. Her first task was to test a Fear landscape serum for Dauntless. She picked some factionless person off the street and made them her target. It was not the first time she did this, but now she does not feel guilty for it. She is simply doing what must be done to finish the task. Jeanine watched the man squirm and scream in pain, taking note of every reaction.</p>
<p>That is how she carried on for months. Jeanine was a machine. All her personal relationships suffered greatly, including the already fragile relationship she had with Mother. She did not have many in the first place, but since they reside in different factions and she had no drive to keep contact; they never heard from Jeanine. Until the faction-wide gala. She would have to socialize. ‘How unfortunate…’ She thought to herself when Mother brought up the event. Socializing was a waste of time. She has work to do.</p>
<p>“What about the revised aptitude test? I am sure that’s more important than some social event.” Jeanine holds the tablet in her arms, her eyes totally focused on reading the lab values. She taps through the menus and makes sure she did not miss anything. She had to be thorough. “Besides, I don’t particularly want to attend.” She said bluntly. Her impatience and attitude came along with the internal walls she built around herself. Whatever can’t get in won’t hurt her.</p>
<p>“It will be good for you.”</p>
<p>“I am not sure you should be the one to decide what is and what isn’t ‘good for me’. Everything you decide for me is purely for your own benefit. My actual well-being is not considered.” Jeanine still has not looked up from the screen, tapping away. Mother is standing in the doorway of her bedroom. It’s shelves are clean, and the floor was cleared of any clutter weeks ago. Any trace of her past depression was removed from sight. Anything left is deep inside Jeanine. “You should just be grateful I stopped crying at night. I stopped being inconvenient for you. I even went back to work. What more could you want?” She believes that she’s poking a bear while saying this. The words fall out of her mouth and she does not care for the potential consequences.</p>
<p>Mother has a hard time not taking what her daughter says to heart. Every word comes from a place of deep pain, she was aware of that. She still felt offended. “Think about going to that party. Maybe you’ll get to see Andrew and Evelyn.” The older woman wants to strangle her daughter. She has thought about it. But she won’t. Jeanine’s frustration all had to do with the fact that Elizabeth was gone. “We can go shopping for a dress tomorrow.”</p>
<p>That is when Jeanine looks up. She was slightly disappointed that this did not result in an argument. It’s what she was going for. Her attitude usually gets a comment from the woman. “There’s no need. I’ll wear my dress from last gala.” She remembers the baby blue colour of it, and the length. Elizabeth thought it was magnificent. “I’m sure it still fits.” It did not. Jeanine’s body changed a lot over the summer. She tried to put it on the other night, and it would not go up past her thighs.</p>
<p>“You think so?” Boom. There’s the judgment Jeanine was expecting. Mother gave her a pointed look. “You’ve put on a lot of weight, honey. I’m not trying to be mean, but it’s true.”</p>
<p>“Mostly in the chest area. I am aware.” Jeanine was not going to deny Mother’s statement. “My hips as well. Since you mentioned it.”</p>
<p>“All the boys at the party are going to be staring.” Her voice sounded cheery, for a reason unknown to Jeanine. Mother knew damn well that concept disgusted her daughter. The idea of men even perceiving Jeanine made her want to puke. “You’ll want to wear something that compliments your figure.”</p>
<p>“I’m a lesbian.”</p>
<p>“Mmhm. Sure, you are. You just need to meet a nice boy, and you’ll feel different. If Andrew didn’t transfer factions, I am sure you two would have gotten together.” Mother still held her traditional values. Jeanine diverged from those greatly. She’ll never be with a man for as long as she lives. She knows that for a fact.</p>
<p>“I like women.” Jeanine continued to insist. “You are going to have to accept that.” Mother never really did.</p>
<p>Jeanine ended up going dress shopping with Mother. A part deep inside of her wanted to be around people that are not Norton. She desperately needed the company but did not like to admit it. She browsed through the Erudite-blue dresses while Mother spoke to the saleswoman at the desk.</p>
<p>Jeanine spots one dress in particular that catches her eye. It reaches the floor, and it has long lace sleeves. It looks extremely similar to the dress that Elizabeth wore the night they met. She closes her eyes, and pictures Eliza’s long red curly hair pinned up into a bun, with mini curls framing her face. She imagines kissing her in the gardens, and the tenderness of it. The soft pale skin of Elizabeth’s chest that was completely covered in freckles. Every last detail of her that Jeanine had imprinted inside her mind. She sheds a few tears before quickly wiping them away. <em>‘Today was not the day for this.’ </em>is all Jeanine could think. She did not need another mental breakdown. She had thought those were over weeks ago. She is supposed to be strong now. Unbothered by her past trauma. No more tears.</p>
<p>“Jeanine?”</p>
<p>A familiar voice breaks Jeanine out of her trance. With a turn of her head, she spots a short Abnegation-dressed girl. Evelyn. She half-smiles, turning her whole body to face her. She looked different. She was not used to seeing her like this. “Evelyn.” She says. Her voice becomes a lot softer. The sight of her stirs up a lot of feelings for Jeanine. On one hand, she is still upset that she transferred factions. On another, Evelyn was the first girl she had feelings for. It never went anywhere because she never said anything. But those emotions were squashed down when Elizabeth entered Jeanine’s life. “Never thought I’d see you here.”</p>
<p>“I <em>know</em>.” Evelyn dragged out that last word, placing a lot more emphasis on it. “But I’m going to that…faction ball thing. I literally have nothing to wear.” She laughed, shaking her head.</p>
<p>“Oh. Me too.” Jeanine walked over to her. “Do you need help picking something?” She made the offer. She wanted an excuse to hang out with Evelyn and not Mother. Her chest was fluttering at the sight of her. She once again pushed those feelings down. She did not want to embarrass herself.</p>
<p>“Totally. I’m practically clueless when it comes to this shit.” Evelyn pushes around the racks. The way she moved was so uncalculated, so free. In contrast, every action Jeanine made was deliberate. She did exactly what she needed to do to get a job done. She also did not like getting her hands all over everything. She touched what she had to.</p>
<p>Jeanine watches Evelyn try on a million dresses. The indecisiveness makes Jeanine go crazy. She can usually state the pros and cons of every outfit to find out which one is more practical. Evelyn does not care about practicality.</p>
<p>“I just wanna look hot. Marcus Eaton is going to be there.” Evelyn states, as Jeanine helps zip up her dress. She smoothes the fabric over Evelyn’s curves carefully. Jeanine did not have the balls to tell her that she looked good in everything.</p>
<p>“You look beautiful.” is all Jeanine can manage to say. She turned Evelyn to face the mirror. She tucked brown hair behind her ears, clearing the shorter woman’s face. “He’s going to pass out when he sees you.” Jeanine’s heart sank a little when she said that. It’s not like Evelyn would ever be interested in her. Why was she so disappointed? Maybe it was all the wishful thinking that had taken place over the last thirty minutes. She imagined Evelyn asking her to dance at the gala. She imagined taking her hand and being led to the dancefloor. Then after taking her to the gardens where they would kiss for the first time. Jeanine hates herself for being such a secret romantic. She shook her head at the thoughts going through her mind. Despite the things that happened with Elizabeth, and the trauma that occurred, she still held some hope. Even if it was buried deep within her soul. Even if she had to learn to love again.</p>
<p>“You really think so?” Evelyn looked at Jeanine instead of herself in the mirror. The tension between them went unacknowledged for the most part. The brunette knew how Jeanine felt about her, even if she never directly said it. It was more than obvious. The girl was never subtle when it came to her romantic affections. Evelyn wished she felt the same. She wanted to feel the same. The girl frequently imagined what it would be like to kiss Jeanine. She thought about it more often than the average straight girl would. Who actually wanted to kiss their girl best friend? Not many straight women that Evelyn knew. Though they are not exactly best friends anymore. They could not be. Evelyn is Abnegation now. They keep contact through letters, like old fashioned lovers. It’s not like other forms of contact were off the table, but most electronic communication was tracked by the faction leaders. Jeanine hated that. So, they write letters.</p>
<p>“I know so.” Jeanine smiled back at her. It was easy to exchange glances and not say anything in particular. Nothing too forward from either girl. To be forward would wreck the relationship they already had. To be forward would shatter any possibility of things staying the way they are. Which is why they both say nothing. Evelyn thinks about shattering the metaphorical glass between them. She thinks about lying to Jeanine to see where that would take them. But how much of what Evelyn could say is a lie? What did she really understand about the feelings she felt towards the blonde? Nothing. She wished she felt the same and she wanted to feel the same. That is all she knew. That’s all she thought of.</p>
<p>Evelyn bought the dress and left the shop. She hugged Jeanine goodbye. They exchanged farewells and Evelyn went about her day. Jeanine still had to pick a dress. She focused too much on helping her friend find a dress that she lost sight of why she was here in the first place. She needed a gown as well. During all this time, Mother was in conversation with the saleswoman. She was too caught up in it to notice where Jeanine had wandered off to.</p>
<p>Jeanine picked up three dresses to try on, draping them over her arm before going over to where Mother was standing. The bright lights of the store made Jeanine’s head ache. ‘<em>What was the purpose of so many lights when the natural sunlight will do? Especially at this hour in the day.’ </em>She had thought to herself.</p>
<p>She glanced briefly at the other patrons browsing for dresses, taking notice of how they chat amongst themselves. Jeanine did a lot more observing than she did talking. She found conversation to be mostly tedious if it had no purpose. Her understanding of social norms was poor. She grasped concepts like quantum physics very easily but could not understand why people loved to make small talk. Or why so many people said things that they did not mean. Jeanine thought it was ridiculous. What was the point of talking, even?</p>
<p>“…And this is Jeanine, my daughter.” Mother proudly introduces her to the girl. She seemed to be about Jeanine’s age. Perhaps a year or two older. Her pink hair was pinned half-up and half-down. The sky-blue colour of her eyes pierced into Jeanine’s soul. Her nametag said the name, ‘Clementine’. She seemed generally uninterested in everything Mother said to her. Each fingernail was long and painted a different colour from the rainbow. Acrylic nails, Jeanine assumed. The clicking of them against the countertop told her that much.</p>
<p>“Yo.” Clementine waved. She stared for too long at Jeanine before speaking up again. “Do you need another dressing room?” Her customer service voice was pristine.</p>
<p>Jeanine shook her head. “No. I’ll just use the one that’s opened already. Thank you.” The staring took her off guard at first, before remembering what she put on that day. Jeanine was a bustier girl and any shirt she wore appeared to show off her chest.</p>
<p>“Did you find everything you were looking for today?” Clementine continued to use her stock phrases. It felt robotic, unlike how Jeanine heard her speak to Mother earlier. She only nodded in response and then walked away to the dressing rooms. The whole interaction made her nervous enough for Jeanine to feel like she had to flee.</p>
<p>The first dress had a higher neckline, short sleeves, and reached the floor. It clung tight to Jeanine’s curves, in a way that made her feel slightly uncomfortable. There was a slit in the side, showing off her right leg almost entirely. Jeanine admired the way the fabric felt against her skin. It was not itchy like she expected. The texture was nice and did not bother her at all. Her sensitivity towards certain fabrics made clothing shopping somewhat difficult.</p>
<p>The second dress pushed up Jeanine’s already large breasts. They were nearly popping out of the gown. This was a definite ‘No’. Mother would never allow her to wear something so scandalous anyway. She promptly took the dress off and left it aside.</p>
<p>The final gown was the one that resembled Elizabeth’s. The long lace sleeves, the navy-blue fabric. Jeanine thought it was identical. But a few things were different. This dress had more layers to it, for sure. Her chest was open, but not in the way the last dress was. It was more comfortable, and she was not exploding out of it. Her shoulders were visible as well. Due to Jeanine’s height, the dress did not touch the floor. She imagines that someone Evelyn’s height would need to get it hemmed. This is the dress she is picking.</p>
<p>Mother was still chatting it up with Clementine when Jeanine gets out of the dressing room. She wanted to show her the gown.</p>
<p>“Mother!” Jeanine calls out to her. Both women at the counter turn to look at the blonde. Clementine is speechless, her darkly lined eyes are widened at the sight of Jeanine. Mother’s stare is something different. She is making the same internal judgements that she always does.</p>
<p>“You look lovely. Now go change so we can get going.”</p>
<p>Jeanine shakes her head, rolling her eyes when she turns around again.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>The rest of the week rolls by fast. Jeanine’s work took up a majority of her free time and she did not notice the days go by. But now she must ready herself and be presentable to all the factions. She is thinking about Evelyn again as she brushes mascara onto her eyelashes. Her heart beat faster and her mouth went dry. She did not expect to feel this way again. Certainly not for Evelyn Johnson. She assumed those feelings were something she left in the past. That one day where she saw her and helped her pick a dress stained her brain. Tonight, was going to be something interesting. She generously applies a red lipstick, perhaps overlining her lips a bit too much. They appeared to be a lot fuller now.</p>
<p>Mother gasps when she walks into the bathroom, viewing her daughter in her evening outfit. Jeanine’s cheeks were rosier now that she applied blush. She softly smiles at her, before looking back into the mirror. Her hair was still undone, that being the final step in her getting ready. “What is it, Mother?” She says.</p>
<p>“You look very beautiful.”</p>
<p>Jeanine attempts to smile. She assumes that this was going to lead into a ‘but’ statement. It usually does. When it doesn’t, she is genuinely shocked. Her sentence stops there, and she walks away. The blonde shakes her head and continues to do her makeup.</p>
<p>The time comes for her to leave, and a black SUV drives up to the curb. Her dad wanted her to have a ride to the Gala. ‘<em>This must be the guy</em>.’ She thought to herself. Jeanine’s hair blew in the wind, despite her every attempt to get it to stay in place. The window slowly rolls down. A kind man with a soft face and big beard is sat in front of the wheel. His fingers are large, wrapping all the way around it. He turns the radio down from its loud volume to speak to Jeanine.</p>
<p>“Miss Matthews?” He seemed excited to see her, a goofy smile spread across his face. “I remember when you were a baby. Your father used to bring you to work all the time. You look all grown up now.”</p>
<p>Jeanine’s nervousness caused her to laugh and smile right back. “Thank you…Greg?” She knew she recognized the man but could not put her finger on it.</p>
<p>“Yup! That’s me! Good ol’ Greg.” He chuckles and slaps his gut. “Hop in, Jeanine. We don’t want to be late.”</p>
<p>Jeanine was relieved that she got the man’s name right. She opens the back door, slowly getting into the vehicle. She grabbed the seatbelt, bringing it across her chest and clicked it in place. She felt the material of it, before cringing and putting her hand in her lap. Her other hand shuts the door.</p>
<p>She makes polite conversation with Greg on the way there. As much as she despises small talk, Greg seemed nice and she wanted to calm her own nerves. She does not go to social events often. All her time is spent working with Norton, much to Jeanine’s dismay. She enjoyed her work, that was not the problem. Norton was. He came onto her a lot less these days, but it still bothered her.</p>
<p>Evelyn was going to be there. That was Jeanine’s biggest stressor at the moment. If it was any other girl, Jeanine would not care. Her anxiety is not easily fazed by beautiful women. It was Evelyn herself that had her worrying. Before that day in the dress shop, she had not seen Evelyn in person since aptitude test day. Which had been almost a year ago. Until she was confronted with Evelyn in those dresses, she completely forgot about the feelings she had for her. To be fair, she was also insanely focused on Elizabeth. Elizabeth was the most important person in Jeanine’s life. She was her soulmate. Her lover. Her everything. Until it was all ripped away from her. She will never not be bitter over it. She would never forget. Why would she?</p>
<p>The car pulls in front of the building, Greg promptly parking. “Send your father a message when you’re ready to be picked up.” He turned to look at her. “Have a good time tonight.” His smile was genuine, and Jeanine mirrored his expression.</p>
<p>“Thank you. I’ll be sure to let him know.” Jeanine stays cool. She stays professional. She unbuckles her seatbelt, putting it back in it’s normal place. She carefully gets out of the car, placing her foot on the curb of concrete. There were other people her age waiting outside and chatting. Jeanine presumes they were waiting for their other friends. She did not have an easy time navigating the noisy crowd of teens, her senses becoming somewhat overloaded.</p>
<p>Then, there she is, in all her glory. Evelyn Johnson. Her hair is expertly curled, half of it twisted leading into a bun at the back. Her lips were the same as Jeanine’s, a scarlet red. Unlike how she saw her earlier that week, her face was perfectly made up. There is no way anyone in Abnegation did that makeup. They don’t even look in mirrors for long. She must have gotten it done special for this night. The other people from her faction were not nearly as made up as her. Evelyn was different. She stood out in a way that completely took Jeanine’s breath away. Whatever anxiety she felt before seeing her melted away. Evelyn spots Jeanine and calls out to her.</p>
<p>“Jean! Over here!” Evelyn waves. Jeanine’s heels click against the concrete, her noisily walking to the young woman.</p>
<p>“Hey, Evelyn.” Jeanine can barely speak. She must talk louder than normal because of the increasing volume of the crowd around her. The shorter girl grabs onto Jeanine’s hand, rubbing the back of it with her thumb. “Are you ready to head in?”</p>
<p> </p>
<p>The night was turning out a lot better than expected, people were dancing and drinking, Jeanine was on her way to complete drunk-ness with Evelyn. They found a way to get drunk with the rest of their of-age peers. It was totally Evelyn’s idea, but the blonde went along with it.</p>
<p>“Can I show you something cool?” Jeanine’s head looks in the direction of the brunette. Her head was spinning, and she could barely stand up. Her face completely tomato red like Evelyn’s. She hiccups.</p>
<p>“Sure. Go for it, pal.” Evelyn was wobbling while using Jeanine to help her stand up. “My great, great, great friend Jeanine Matthews.” She could not stop laughing, even letting out a little snort.</p>
<p>Jeanine and Evelyn walk their way to the gardens, exactly where Elizabeth took Jeanine that first night they met. They find their way to the loft, climbing up the ladder as careful as they could in their current condition. Evelyn loses a heel, it dropping to the cobblestone paths. She does not notice as she hobbles over to where Jeanine was sat. The bench was not as dirty as Jeanine thought it would be. She lays back on it, her eyes wandering over to the roses. Elizabeth’s favourite flower. Jeanine remembers kissing her right here for the first time.</p>
<p>Evelyn gets onto Jeanine’s lap, practically straddling her at that point. She thought about doing this the entire week. She was going to satisfy that curiosity. She had to. This was her only opportunity.</p>
<p>Jeanine was not even thinking about it when Evelyn crawls on top of her. She’s thinking about Elizabeth. Tears roll down her cheeks when she pictures that first kiss. She can barely see straight.</p>
<p>“What’s wrong, darling?” Evelyn caresses her face, more focused on the shape of Jeanine’s lips than the tears.</p>
<p>“I miss Lizzie.” She begins to sob. This was the first time she cried in forever. It was as if the pain washed through her again like a wave. “I…I want her back.”</p>
<p>“Shhh. Let me make you feel better.” Evelyn gripped onto her chin, bringing her in for a long kiss. Jeanine resisted at first, before melting into the touch. Her arms wrapped around the brunette’s waist. She was not entirely sure if she wanted this to happen, but she kissed back anyway. It felt nice to be touched in the way Evelyn was touching her.</p>
<p>Evelyn grinded into her lap as her tongue entered Jeanine’s mouth. She has begun to moan, unlike Jeanine, who was still crying.</p>
<p>Jeanine breaks off the kiss. “I’m sorry.”</p>
<p>“It’s okay, Jeanine. It’s okay.” Evelyn is still petting her face, gently caressing her. “We can stop if you want to.” She had not realized that she was still upset and still crying at this point.</p>
<p>They had not stopped. They continued for an hour, their dresses occupying space on the floor of the loft.</p>
<p>After they finish, the two girls are left sweaty and panting on top of each other. Jeanine breathed heavily, her chest rising along with the rhythm of the other girl’s. They were not alone for long. The familiar voices of the boys they hung out with were heard walking through the garden. The alcohol that the girls consumed made them too tired to really register what was going on.</p>
<p>“Evelyn? Jeanine?” Marcus was searching around every corner, eventually spotting the stray heel in front of the ladder. He climbs up, his head poking over the floor. That is when he sees the naked women on the bench together. Evelyn turns her head, audibly gasping and trying to cover herself up.</p>
<p>“Marcus!” The brunette was snapped back into reality. Her somewhat sobering up as she scrambles to put her dress back on while Jeanine was half-passed out on the bench.</p>
<p>The boy huffed and angrily stormed off. Evelyn quickly ran down after him, attempting to get his attention.</p>
<p>Andrew comes up not long after, begrudgingly going to help Jeanine dress herself and take her down the ladder. He did not even say a word to her. He did not want to. He resented Erudite and Jeanine and whatever else he left behind there. But due to his selfless nature, he helped Jeanine. He felt obligated to. Andrew carried the drunk girl to where Natalie was waiting. The Abnegation girl helped Jeanine to the bathroom. She had just met her tonight and they really didn’t know anything about each other. But Andrew was not about to step foot in the lady’s washroom.</p>
<p>Natalie carefully sat Jeanine down on the toilet while she fixed her makeup. “What happened?” She asked. Andrew did not say anything about why Jeanine looked so emotionally and physically destroyed. She was genuinely curious as to what happened with the girl.</p>
<p>“Evelyn and I…” Jeanine’s head was spinning. She could barely speak coherent sentences. Natalie got the hint though. Based off the sexual tension that she witnessed during the party, she inferred that they wandered off to bang.</p>
<p>“Oh. I see.” Natalie ties all of Jeanine’s hair back using the elastic she had in her own hair. “Did Evelyn not tell you about her thing with Marcus?” She tried not to get too deep into her friend’s business, however, she knew that they were trying to form a thing.</p>
<p>Jeanine shook her head in response. She had no idea. She knew that Evelyn wanted to impress him, but she did not know about their special relationship. Evelyn must have intentionally omitted that fact so she could have sex with Jeanine. Though she tried hard not to draw too many conclusions.</p>
<p>“Damn. I’m sorry.” Natalie had felt bad enough for her to hug Jeanine. She petted the girl’s blonde hair. “Are you feeling sick at all?”</p>
<p>“Not really.”</p>
<p>The ladies only spent another half an hour talking in the bathroom before Natalie left Jeanine to her own devices. Andrew and Natalie left long before Jeanine found the strength to exit the toilets.</p>
<p>Jeanine walked down the halls, completely lost in her own thought. As the minutes go by, she sobers up more. She is finally able to walk straight. She stops walking when she looks through a windowed door and spots the pink-haired dress shop lady sitting by the new community pool. Clementine. She rolled her eyes. She hated that Mother paid so much attention to her. She remembered them laughing and smiling. It sent Jeanine into a bit of an anger spiral. She pushed the door open, the noise making Clementine look up at her. The sight of her caused Jeanine’s face to grow hot with frustration. She hated her.</p>
<p>“Hey! You’re that girl with the hot mom.” She appeared to be completely plastered as well. She giggled as she drank straight from a bottle of wine. She chugged every last drop. “I remember you. You were helping that Abnegation girl find a dress.” Clementine continued to drunkenly ramble as Jeanine stalked over to her. The blonde looked at the woman like predator to prey. Her heels made a slow tapping noise when they hit the new tile flooring. The pool was still, the smell of chlorine hitting Jeanine’s nostrils. She despised the smell. Just as much as she despised Clementine in this moment. She needed to have power over her. She needed to feel superior to the saleswoman.</p>
<p>“You good, princess?” Clementine said mockingly. She took notice of Jeanine’s weird gait. She stared at her again, like how she did in the shop. A sense of fear began to bubble up within her. She could not figure out Jeanine’s intentions for the life of her.</p>
<p>Jeanine came from behind, picking up the wine bottle and smacking Clementine over the head with it. Immediately she flopped over, and Jeanine kicked her into the water. She bent down, holding Clementine under. She struggled for a few minutes while kicking and waving around. The splashing of the water completely soaked Jeanine’s gown. She tried to fight back but was too intoxicated to really save herself. The body of the woman stopped moving. Her limbs just floated now in the water. Her breathing had completely stopped. Jeanine held her under for a few extra minutes just to make sure.</p>
<p>After a while, Jeanine got up and left the pool. She did not even care to look back at Clementine’s lifeless body. She acted as if nothing happened. To Jeanine, she was just completing a task. Nothing more, nothing less. She got the woman out of the way.</p>
<p>And to this day, no one was ever able to figure out who murdered Clementine Price.</p>
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<a name="section0004"><h2>4. the past is no longer behind us</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Juliet’s arms and legs were entwined with Jeanine’s, the two of them nearly falling off the bed. The only thing keeping Juliet from going off the edge is Jeanine keeping her in place. Her bed was a lot smaller than Jeanine’s king-sized mattress, the both of them now unfamiliar with the lack of space. However, Juliet wanted to have Jeanine stay over at her place before she moved in with her. Jeanine is not opposed to a good snuggle though. She is secretly soft like that.</p><p>Jeanine’s eyes slowly open, her face still in Juliet’s chest. She yawns, carefully trying to slide out from her girlfriend’s arms. She lifts her up properly into the bed, then fixing the duvet so it covers her bare body. The redhead snores softly, her diaphragm rising and falling with her breath. Jeanine is gentle when she brushes curls out of the young woman’s face, leaning down to kiss her forehead.</p><p>She slips on a robe and walks out into the living room. She checks the time. 6 am. Not unusual for her. She takes a seat on the couch, leaning over to lift Juliet’s laptop from the coffee table. She had to check a few things. There was something that her little girlfriend had no knowledge of. Jeanine got back into contact with Mother. Well…sort of.</p><p>Mother got sick three months ago and was progressively getting worse. She only just recently received a phone call from Mother’s doctor. She kept herself updated by logging into the hospital system and retrieving her patient files. A tad illegal, but the only other option would be to see her in person. Was Jeanine ready for that? No. She still couldn’t process the fact that she was dying. A part of her deep down loved her mom. Even after everything that happened. She ached for her love in a way that didn’t make sense. The child in her that once wanted to do good so she could get that little bit of praise. The child that needed her love and was going to stop at nothing to get it. Jeanine would never say it out loud, because it sounds insane, but she wished that she hadn’t cut her off.  Eventually she was going to have to confront her for the first time in years and say a proper goodbye. She had to give Mother that.</p><p>Jeanine was debating on whether she wanted Juliet to know or not. That was a level of vulnerability she has not reached. The woman barely knew about Elizabeth. There’s just so much there that she cannot even think of where to begin. Some things she just can’t speak about. Even if she tried. The young woman has been so kind to her since the moment they met. And so open about her past. Jeanine felt as though she owed her some sort of backstory. Even if it was small and insignificant. Juliet trusted her girlfriend with everything. Why couldn’t Jeanine do the same? She wanted to do the same. Fear stops her. They’ve been together for almost six months. That should have been enough time for Jeanine to stop being so scared of Juliet leaving. She could not imagine living without her again. She loves her. As scary as that is to say. She <em>loves</em> Juliet. They haven’t even said it to each other out loud yet. But they both wanted to.</p><p>As Jeanine looks through Mother’s patient chart, completely engrossed in the extensive notes left by her medical team, Juliet gets up out of bed. She walks in the room, coming up behind her, carefully wrapping her arms around Jeanine’s shoulders and kissing her on the cheek. “Good morning.”</p><p>In the split second that Juliet came behind her, Jeanine exited the hospital database. “Morning, my love.” She looked up at her, giving her a tiny kiss in return. She let out a sleepy chuckle. “Aren’t you getting cold walking around with no clothes on?” She closed the laptop lid, putting it next to her on the seat.</p><p>“Hmm. ‘My love’. That’s a new one.” Juliet smirked. “…and no. Despite what my nipples are telling you, I’m actually not cold.” She let go of Jeanine, coming around the sofa to go straddle her lap. She tucks strands of blonde hair behind the other woman’s ear, before bringing her in for a gentle kiss. “My love…”</p><p>“You’re really stuck on that, hmm?” Jeanine teases, properly wrapping her arms around the redhead’s waist. “That really-”</p><p>“I love you.” Juliet cuts her off. Her heart was going a million miles a minute. She had begun to sweat a little bit. She said it so suddenly, but she meant it. There was a certain aura around their relationship that lasted for a while, that was left unspoken in favour of keeping the peace. In case the other didn’t feel the same. Though it was blatantly obvious that it was not the case. There was so much love there. Juliet had those thoughts linger in her mind for months now, just waiting for the right time to say it to her. What she did not know was that Jeanine was eagerly awaiting the appropriate time as well. She was nervous about confessing her love in the case that it all went downhill. The anxiety of it all was overwhelming.</p><p>Jeanine smiled softly, something that was rare in relation to other people but not with Juliet. For her she smiled all the time. “I love you too.” Finally, a weight was lifted off the woman’s chest. Those words bubbled inside her for the longest time. Every time she looked at the young woman, she thought that. She thought of the passion and the adoration she felt towards Juliet. She had not felt this way for another person since…</p><p>Elizabeth.</p><p>That’s when the tears roll in. God, she hated when this happened. She has cried in front of Juliet before, approximately 3 times over the last six months. She does not like to cry. The concept of love is a touchy subject for Jeanine. She’s closed off. Cold. At least that’s how she appears to the outside world. Anyone on the inside of Jeanine’s mind knows its essentially the opposite. When she loves someone, she loves hard. She’s guarded emotionally for many reasons, one being that she cannot bear the pain of loss again. That’s why she avoided telling Juliet how she felt until now. But now that she’s said it, her anxiety was soothed.</p><p>The little tears run slowly down the older woman’s cheeks, and Juliet wiped them away in a kind manner. She doesn’t know everything about Elizabeth, but she could sense the effect that her death had on Jeanine. To avoid embarrassing her, she did not speak. She knew what was upsetting her girlfriend. “Shh…” She cooed, in an attempt to soothe her. Her lips make contact with Jeanine’s, continuing to kiss her afterwards.</p><p>Watching the love of your life be brutally murdered in front of you when you’re 17 is not something you easily forget. Jeanine’s grief lasted longer than Elizabeth’s life itself. Juliet understood post-traumatic stress very well. While she had not experienced anything at the level Jeanine did, she studied psychiatric disorders extensively. She tried not to armchair-diagnose everyone in her life, but she wound up doing it anyway. Mentally, Juliet assigned Jeanine three things: PTSD, Major Depression, and OCD.</p><p>“You’re incredibly important to me.” Jeanine stared directly into the redhead’s eyes. “I need you to know that, Juliet.” The seriousness of her tone soft of brought Juliet out of her head. Of course, she knew that. They were each other’s entire lives. Outside of work, that is. But generally, they were inseparable.</p><p>“I know, honey. I know.” Juliet put her forehead against Jeanine’s with care.</p><p>-</p><p>The workday had been packed full, Jeanine being on her feet all day. Juliet had stayed up in her office doing the paperwork while Jeanine was in the labs. She liked to be right there while all the interesting stuff was happening. Though that has some negative impact on her poor feet and ankles in her stiletto heels. She refused to wear any other kind of shoe. The blonde walked into her office, immediately going to sit down on her chair and take the heels off her feet. She massaged the soles with her hands.</p><p>“Why didn’t you tell me your mother was sick?” Juliet popped up from the other side of the room. She had been waiting to confront her about this since she stumbled upon the hospital database and logged in using Jeanine’s passcodes. She needed to figure out what her girlfriend had been looking at this morning, and she did. Mother even called up the Erudite HQ office. She was not mad at her, but she was curious as to why she kept it a secret. Was she not trustworthy enough? Juliet went through a million of those thoughts while Jeanine was gone. She told her everything. Due to her Candor nature, she was unable to keep her mouth shut.</p><p>“I’d rather not talk about this right now.” Jeanine completely shut her down. She was not ready to talk about Mother and all the things that she put her through.</p><p>“She’s dying.”</p><p>“I know.”</p><p>“Have you gone in to visit her at all?”</p><p>“No.” Jeanine refused to make eye contact with her lover. She came off as uncaring but that was the opposite of the truth. “She doesn’t want to see me. And I, her.”</p><p>“She called you from the hospital while you were down in the labs.”</p><p>“What?” That seemed practically impossible to Jeanine. Her mom reaching out to her was just out of the realm of possibilities. She was too stubborn to contact her. Mother’s doctor was the one who called to inform her, not Mother herself. But Juliet never lies. She is incapable of it. So that must have been true.</p><p>“She wants to see you.”</p><p>Jeanine huffs. She shook her head at the thought. She slipped her heels back onto her feet. “No, she doesn’t.” That was laughable. Mother would never admit that she wanted to see her. Jeanine was otherwise convinced that her mom barely even loved her. Her whole life was spent trying to impress her and get her approval and she was never able to. She never reached that level of perfection. To have anyone love her would be ideal. When she was a kid all she wanted was to feel loved. All she got were textbooks shoved in her face and a promise of top-notch education from Norton. Not that she didn’t enjoy learning, she loved the sciences and anything to do with it, she just wished that she could have been loved like the other kids. She wanted love. Being used as a walking IQ score from a young age does a lot to the psyche.</p><p>“She insisted that she see you tomorrow morning. I cancelled all your appointments and meetings for the day so you could go.”</p><p>“Why? It seems she is generally uninterested in seeing me unless it’s for her own benefit.”</p><p>“The doctors don’t know if she’s going to survive the week.” Juliet states, getting all teary-eyed just saying it. In general, she is a pretty soft person. Even though she’s never met Jeanine’s mom, if this happened to her, she would be devastated. She is overly attached to her mother, and the idea of losing her is upsetting. She simply does not understand why Jeanine isn’t more upset about this. Who wouldn’t be upset when your own mother is dying?</p><p>“I see.” Jeanine exhales harshly. “Well, I’ll give the hospital a call and inform them of my visit. Go home, Juliet.”</p><p>“I’m sorry.” Juliet frowned. She thought she was doing the right thing. She just wanted to help.</p><p>“Don’t be.” Jeanine looked away, her eyes drifting to her computer screen, which was lighting up with notification after notification. She typed away at her keyboard, formulating responses to various emails. During this, Juliet was preparing herself to leave for the night. She packed up quite hastily, as she begun to get upset as well. Jeanine could tell by the way she was shoving everything in her purse, clearing her desk with a barely neutral expression on her face.</p><p>After a while she sighs and looks up at Juliet as she’s leaving. “I love you. Thank you for doing that for me. I wouldn’t have made those arrangements otherwise.” She doesn’t want her girlfriend to be upset. Jeanine was never really upset with Juliet herself, more with the fact that she’s going to have to see her mother after all this time. She needs Juliet with her for this. If it was going to happen, Jeanine was going to need a support person.</p><p>“I love you too, honey.” Juliet appeared visibly calmer, her anxiety soothing itself in that moment. This was the fourth time they said it to each other today. It was as if those words were the only ones they wanted to say. She was glad that Jeanine wasn’t mad at her, like she originally assumed.</p><p>By the time Jeanine got home from work, Juliet was passed out in bed, wearing her clothes. They looked like drapes on her, way too big. Jeanine thought it was adorable. She was even on Jeanine’s side of the bed. She must have missed her. She gently caresses her face, moving hair out of the way before leaning down to kiss her forehead. “My darling Juliet…” She whispers as quiet as possible.</p><p>She rid herself of her normal work clothing, tossing it all in a laundry basket. Catching a glimpse of her body in the mirror, she takes a minute or two to admire it. Her hands go to her large hips, as she turns to look at her bottom. She’s always been a beautifully curvy woman, and despite the crap she got from Mother about her weight, she thought she was gorgeous. Self-confidence is very important, especially when you don’t have the “ideal” skinny body type. Her squishy tummy was something that Juliet admired a lot. And her thighs. Oh, how she loved being between them. She was heavier as a young girl, and she knows that she has slimmed down a bit over the years, but the way she was treated back then will always stick with her.</p><p>Juliet tossed and turned while all this was happening, making whining noises in her sleep. Jeanine nearly broke out into laughter. At the speed of light, she covered her mouth as to not wake the woman. With caution, she crawled into bed next to her lover. Underneath the covers now, Jeanine brought Juliet into her arms. She held her tight, but still with care. Was it because she wanted to make the young woman feel secure, or did Jeanine need the comfort? Perhaps both could be true. Her cold hand ran through the silky curls on Juliet’s head, while she closed her eyes and thought of all the things she wanted to say. There were more words in her mind than in the longest existing novel. Monologues after monologues, just for Juliet to understand her life. She wished the girl could know of all the things she went through. She wanted her to know everything about her. After all this time she was still afraid to let her in. It was pathetic, really. That’s how Jeanine saw it.</p><p>“Jean?” A muffled voice came from Jeanine’s chest. Juliet was still half asleep when she looked up at her. “Hi…” She giggled, before nuzzling her face back into her lover’s soft chest. “I missed you.” The redhead yawned noisily.</p><p>“I know, darling.” Jeanine kissed the top of her head. “I couldn’t wait to come home to you.”</p><p>“You usually like staying late.”</p><p>“I do. Today’s been rough, though.” The older woman sighed, beginning to rub Juliet’s back with her free hand.</p><p>The next morning was rough. The hospital was clean and quiet. The beeping of various machines was all that could be heard as Jeanine walked down the hallway with Juliet. She could barely speak. It was as if the situation had her frozen in time.</p><p>Somehow, all of this reminds Jeanine of when she was a teenager going back to all the places that her and Elizabeth went. Like that <em>one</em> spot in the ‘forest’. To call it a forest would be insanely incorrect. It was ten or eleven trees, max. That’s barely a tree farm. There was a small bench. Its wood was rotting away now and if you jumped on it, it would certainly snap in half.</p><p>-</p><p>
  <em>Elizabeth’s hair is blowing in the wind as she runs around the trees, chasing Jeanine through them. The girls were laughing so hard that they could barely breathe. </em>
</p><p>
  <em>“Wait, wait. Stop.” Jeanine has her hands on her knees, panting. “Time out.” She takes her shoes off, carrying them to the bench. She sat in the middle. She needed to take a breather. Eliza sits on Jeanine’s lap. She wraps her left arm around her neck, the other hand caressing her face. </em>
</p><p>
  <em>“You’re sweaty.” The redhead kisses her girlfriend’s forehead. She brushes the free blonde strands out of the way. Elizabeth knew how easy it was to get her lover to infodump whatever scientific information that lived in the front of her brain. “Why do humans even need to sweat? It’s so annoying. You get all wet, smelly, and just…gross.”</em>
</p><p>
  <em>…And then Jeanine ranted about the human body for about an hour. Eliza watched the whole time with a smile on her face, occasionally nodding to let Jeanine know she was still paying attention.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>“You’re so smart.” Elizabeth twirls Jeanine’s blonde hair around her fingers. “I’m so in love with you.”</em>
</p><p>
  <em>“You better be. I’m getting you through AP Bio.” Jeanine comments, smirking. “I love you too.” That came some time after a period of silence.</em>
</p><p>-</p><p>Mother died that morning. Juliet was there to comfort Jeanine while the machines went silent. Jeanine didn’t even cry. She just stared. Was she relieved that Mother was dead? No. She thought that she would be. It would’ve made sense. She made her life hell, especially when she was young. All she feels is a never-ending numbness.</p><p>The silence on the car ride home was deafening. Jeanine stared out the window of the vehicle. “Are you okay?” Juliet asked, hoping that the blonde would allow herself to be comforted. Though the woman could barely even look at her. She’s pouring salt in a wound that was furiously bleeding out.</p><p>“I’m fine.” Jeanine replied. She sat up straight, looking still away from Juliet. She’s pushing away the one person that she’s supposed to rely on. Jeanine can’t do that again. She can’t let someone in like that. It was simply impossible. What was the point of opening up and letting people in, when all they do is leave? Everyone Jeanine loved was cruelly ripped away from her. Elizabeth, Evelyn, and now her mom. She could barely breathe. She was suffocating. Tears well up in her eyes. God, of course she wasn’t okay. Who would be okay? She gets cold and her body shivers. A wave of complete and utter dread washes over the shores of her heart. It was freezing.</p><p>“…That’s not true.” Juliet replies in almost a whisper. “It’s okay to be upset, you know?” She has no idea what would be coming next from this statement. She cannot prepare herself for how Jeanine was about to respond.</p><p>“It’s okay to be upset.” Jeanine says, shaking her head and scoffing. “Well, I’m not upset, Juliet.” Her defensiveness comes across way ruder than she expected. “What do you even know? You’re not a mind reader.”</p><p>The redhead gets surprised by that reaction. Jeanine is never this rude. At least not to her anyway. “I know that you need someone right now.”</p><p>“I don’t need anyone, Ms. Dawson.”</p><p>That packed a punch. Juliet was never referred to by her last name unless Jeanine was truly pissed off. The ride home was otherwise very silent.</p><p>Juliet walks into Jeanine’s apartment with her. They can barely even look at each other.</p><p>“You always do this.” Juliet finally broke the silence.</p><p>“Do what?” Jeanine crosses her arms. She’s not doing anything. She hasn’t said a word since they were in the car. She turns to face her girlfriend who is standing at the front door. God, all Jeanine wanted to do was cry and hug her. “Tell me. What exactly is it that I’m ‘always doing’?” She raises an eyebrow.</p><p>“Act like nothing ever hurts you. You push me away. You hide every part of your self that isn’t one hundred percent perfect. You act like you have no flaws and that no one can ever get inside your brain. But I know you, Jeanine.”</p><p>Jeanine shakes her head at that statement. “You <em>know</em> me.”</p><p>“Yeah, I do. And this…whatever it is…is just a coping mechanism for whatever the fuck is going on in your head. You can’t expect me to stay silent and take your bullshit every single time something from your past comes up. I’m tired of it.” Juliet’s voice cracks while she starts to tear up. “Forgive me for my Candor, but I’m really sick of being pushed aside. Why don’t you want me to love you? Is this because of Elizabeth? You lose one girlfriend and suddenly no one in your life will ever be good enough or will ever be allowed to love you.” She regretted saying that the minute it came out of her mouth. That was Jeanine’s trigger-word, and it was most definitely going to get a reaction from her. “I’m sorry…” She cringes at herself.</p><p>“Don’t you <em>ever</em> say her name again. Ever.” Jeanine snaps. Her tears roll down her cheeks. “You have no idea what it’s like to spend your whole life in mourning. The grief? It’s been killing me inside since the day I lost her. <em>Killing</em> me. You have no idea what it’s like to lose your soulmate. She was my entire world, and it was fucking ripped away from under me.” She sniffles. The feelings that were bubbling inside her are about to explode. “Yeah, it’s fucking because of Elizabeth. Everything is because of her. I lost her and I have <em>never</em> been the same. You know that.”</p><p>“I know. I’m sorry, baby.”</p><p>“Don’t ‘baby’ me. Get out.” Jeanine yells, pointing in the direction of the door. “Just get out. Don’t come back.” She’s way too upset to realize what she’s doing right now. She is not in the mental place to be rational.</p><p>“Jeanine…”</p><p>“Don’t. Don’t say another word. Go home.”</p><p>Juliet left her apartment in tears. She catches a taxi home, never looking back for even a second. Meanwhile, Jeanine goes into the kitchen, cracking open a bottle of wine. She’s been waiting for this one perfect moment to finally give in to her cravings.</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>I know some of you have been waiting a long time for this chapter, I apologize. It's been a rough four months.</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
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